The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 10: Kitten Buys a Ticket After Overcoming More Fear

Kitten keeps her perspective on her fears and on her goals. She will not let fear stand in her way.

Scene 10: Kitten Buys a Ticket After Overcoming More Fear

“Would you like a ticket?” a voice asked. “Don’t you want to go in, sweetie? Don’t you want to ride the pretty horses?”

Taking her eyes off the carousel, Karen looked around to see who was talking to her, and realized that she was standing in front of a ticket stand, poised to pay her admission to the carousel. She was another step closer to the actualization of her dream.

“What?” she answered, nervously.

“Don’t you want to go in, sweetie? Don’t you want to ride the pretty horses?”

“I’m not sure,” she said.

“You don’t know how much fun you’re missing.”

“I’m a bit scared,” Kitten explained.

“Think about it, child, and when you’re ready you can come back to see me, again, all right?” the ticket man said with a smile. “We’ll see you next time, then. The horses will be waiting for you.”

She realized that she had become filled with fear.

Yes, this is what I came here for. I’m scared, but I cannot give up now! Maybe for some people this would be no big deal, but for me this is really, really important. What’s that new word I learned? Pivotal. This moment is pivotal!

“I’m ready!” she answered. “May I have one ticket, please?”

“Sure!” he replied with a big smile.

Karen fished in her purse and brought out a bright, shiny dime and five copper pennies. Just as Mama had said, this was the price. It was posted on a sign. She stood on her tippy-toes to put the coins onto the counter and took the ticket away with her.

#ticket #fear

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 9: Kitten’s First Impression of the Carousel

As she enters the hippodrome, and without her willing it, her paralyzed left arm and hand stretch as if she were waking up from sleep. This is the beginning of her spiritual awakening.

Scene 9: Kitten’s First Impression of the Carousel

As she opened the beveled glass door, she felt a current of energy rush through her right arm and leg, surging through her fingers one at a time—thumb, pointer, middle, ring and pinky.

What was that?

The prickling sensation passed through her other side.
What is this?

Without her willing it, her left arm and hand reached out straight with fingers pointing, as if she were stretching after waking. But that arm is paralyzed, she thought.

Despite the surge, Kitten proceeded through the doors and stopped just inside the hippodrome. The faint tingling throbbed throughout her body. She sensed something spiritual take hold of her. She could not identify it, but she surrendered, setting herself free, liberating her spirit, loosening the reins of her unhealthy beliefs and fears about not coming to the carousel.

Letting go was easy as she looked at the array of colors before her. A rippling lightning bolt filled the center of the room. The powerful waltz of the calliope vibrated through the air, through the floor and through her body. She instantly took it all in with her keen six senses. Looking more carefully, she saw dancing splashes of dazzling pigment reflected on the soft vanilla walls. After a moment, the music slowed, and the rippling bolt of color in the middle of the room became a parade of whirling horses in contrasting colors. The dancing rainbow had been the merry-go-round. As it twirled, its plentiful hues merged into one enormous color palette. Beyond the lines of horses, the mighty calliope shone from the center. People dismounted from the horses and began leaving the hippodrome. Kitten moved to the side, so she would not block the door.

#hippodrome #carousel

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 8: Kitten Walks to the Hippodrome

As she overcomes her fears, little Kitten discovers a feeling of empowerment and a new perspective on her leg brace.

Scene 8: Kitten Walks to the Hippodrome

Without more hesitation, she took those last remaining steps. She found herself, a young girl with a perceptual learning disability and cerebral palsy, proudly strutting toward her goal. In a victorious rapture, she promenaded toward the red sign and the tower that held the ticket booth, with a feeling of empowered, enchanted bliss. Step by step, the cadence of her gate echoed in her mind, chiseling the rhythmic pattern of her syncopated footsteps into her memory. With each step, Kitten heard the flat, hollow reverberation of the brace buckle striking the metal bars that supported her leg. Today, that sound was but a distant annoyance. This was her dream, and she was making it come true.

As the man promised, she saw horses through the windows. She pulled open the beveled glass door with her strong right arm. Standing tall, she marched in.

#hippodrome #walks

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 7: Kitten Asks Joshua for Directions to the Horses

When Karen cannot see the horses, she asks for help. Little does she know that the man she asks will become one of her mentors.

Scene 7: Kitten Asks Joshua for Directions to the Horses

Looking around for help, she saw a tall, thin man with a blond mustache hurrying through the crowd. Dressed in a ten gallon hat and a brown plaid shirt with pearl snap buttons, his blue jeans tucked into cowboy boots, he stood out. He looked like someone who would know about horses.

“Excuse me, sir!” she said. “I’m here to ride the horses, but I can’t see them. Can you tell me where they are?”

Instantly stopping, he adjusted his bolo tie and said, “The horses are right over there, little lady, beneath the inverted funnel surmounted by a cupola. It’s the first building to your left, when you walk down the ramp, the tawny one embellished with blushing trim. You may behold the assorted members of Equus caballus through the fenestration of the hippodrome as you approach it. Each horse has a different design. Some have assorted color tones, while others have colorful tapestries draped over their saddles. Still others have stars and moons on their bridles. I’d show you the way, but I don’t think you need more help. Besides, I’m late for work and must mosey on before my boss has a conniption fit. Perhaps, I’ll see you momentarily.”

“Inverted funnel? Cupola? Fenestration? You mean the tan building with all the windows?”

“Yes, doll,” he said with a broad smile. “Simply put, they’re in through there!” He pointed a large right forefinger to a large tan building, winked, and concluded, “Appreshate ya askin’ me.”

As he hurried away, Karen saw the hippodrome to the left of the ramp, its gray roof sloping tent-like toward the sky, above a tan two-story building with corner towers. The tan looked like gold, and the red letters of the Merry-Go-Round sign stood out as if they were on fire. Inside were the horses she had come to ride. Now she knew where the calliope music was coming from. Overjoyed with enthusiasm, she was at one with everything around her. As she listened to the roaring calliope, she felt herself drawn toward its pounding one-two-three beat and the horses that she knew surrounded it. The enchanting music seemed to emanate from everywhere, slightly shrill, yet sweet and deliciously slow. It made her feel as if she were floating far away, in a world unto herself.

For a moment, she felt content to stand and enjoy the August breeze blowing through her hair, but she realized that, despite her enthusiasm, she was still afraid.

I’ll do it! I won’t be afraid to try anymore. I won’t be afraid to show myself that I can accomplish things. You can hold on, Karen. There is no reason why you can’t do this. It won’t be that difficult!

#horses #fear

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 6: Karen Arrives at the Pier

When Karen arrives at the Pier, she enjoys the sights and sounds, and the crowd. She feels free.

Scene 6: Karen Arrives at the Pier

Karen paused under the Santa Monica Pier sign so that she could become fully aware of her surroundings. She glanced nervously at the crowd, hoping to see a friendly face to encourage her, but there was no one she knew. Better yet, there was no one to discourage her. She realized that she was truly alone and on her own.

In spite of these mixed feelings, she did not want to leave. Her yearning to ride the horses lured her on. She heard the thunderous, thundering calliope crank out heavy waltzes, and knew she must be near the carousel. She saw children hurrying past in enthusiasm and excitement and found herself soaking up their gaiety, happiness and endless energy. Their laughter and high spirits lifted her own.

She looked down the long, concrete ramp at the vista of amusements. Chocolate brown concession stands sold figurines, cotton candy, ice cream, and hot dogs. The Ferris wheel revolved above everything else. Directly below it, stood a shop that offered big stuffed animals as game prizes. Scents of root beer, hot dogs, and pretzels permeated the air. She wanted to have the same kind of carefree fun as the other children. She sighed.

Yum, smells good. What a fantastic place to be on a summer’s day. Maybe I’ll meet a playmate today. I wish I had someone to play with, so I wouldn’t have to do this alone, but even if I don’t, I’m going to have fun, just like all the other children I see here! Today, I won’t let anything stop me!

She felt fully oriented to her surroundings and smiled with pride and satisfaction. Even though she was surrounded by people, she didn’t feel crowded. She felt free. Ignoring the flashing neon lights and mouth-watering scents, she brought her focus back to her goal and realized that she didn’t see any horses.

#courage #pier

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scenes 4 & 5: Karen Writes a Note and Walks to the Pier

As the summer passed, Karen realized that the time was right for her walk to the Pier. It was now, or it could be never.

Scene 4
One splendid afternoon, late in the month of August, she sat at her mother’s desk and wrote her Mama a note, telling her what she was about to do. Karen’s legs were ready, and her spirit was strong. She was not going to risk a last-minute veto. Too much was at stake. Soon, school would start, and Mama would get home before her, and be home all day on the weekends. Walking to the pier without giving Mama the chance to stop her would become impossible. Mama had told her to walk to the pier. She would, and now was the time and the perfect opportunity.

Holding the paper down with her left hand, she flipped it over and folded it in half. “Mama” she wrote on the top, before she left it neatly centered on the hallway table, where Mama would see it when she dropped her purse, there, after kicking off her shoes.

Scene 5
Merrily, with the slowness of her gate, she trudged the seven blocks to the pier, where she immediately looked for the horses.

#disabilities #courage

The Healing Horse, Ch 5, Scene 3: Time Passes

Karen planned her walk to the pier in complete detail, and she kept her plan a secret from everyone.

Scene 3

Twelve long weeks passed as Karen readied herself. She spent many hours secretly preparing, until she felt ready for all that the carousel could offer. In her imagination, she saw herself walking the distance alone, finding her way to the hippodrome, and grabbing the gold ring as she sailed through the air on a galloping stallion. In the privacy of her room, she counted the pennies she had saved from the snack money Mama gave her. She exercised her legs and built up her strength. At the library, she borrowed a city map and memorized the route she would take. Sitting at Mama’s desk, she used the telephone to call the pier and ask about the price of rides. She knew that her imagination was as important as whatever appeared to be real, but she was not afraid to deal with reality, too. She hid her plans from everyone.

June and July passed swiftly. August flooded Los Angeles with a dry breeze that flawlessly filled the celestial canopy. The temperature climbed just enough to make everyone want to come out and play, especially Kitten. Her self-confidence continued its ascent as perfectly as the August days arose.

#disabilities #pier

The Healing Horse, Chapter 5: Kitten Courageously Walks to The Pier and Meets Pegasus, Scene 2: Kitten Reflects and Begins Encouraging Herself After Realizing That She Cannot Always Depend on Her Mother for Encouragement

Even though Mama initially encouraged Karen to walk to the pier, she did not follow through with more encouragement, so Karen had to learn to encourage herself.

Scene 2

Every day, Karen thought about the carousel, but she could not find the courage to go. Mama had not mentioned it, again, and Karen realized that she had been waiting for Mama to insist that she go.

If Mama can’t always give me the emotional nourishment I need, then I will just have to start giving it to myself.

#cerebralpalsy #disabilities #courage

The Healing Horse, Chapter 5: Kitten Courageously Walks to The Pier and Meets Pegasus, Scene 1: Kitten Overhears the Neighbor Children Talking About How Much Fun the Pier Is

Even though Mama encouraged me to walk to the Pier, I still had to work up my nerve to actually do it. Hearing other kids talking about it helped me.

Scene 1: Kitten Overhears the Neighbor Children Talking About How Much Fun the Pier Is

Karen put off going to the merry-go-round. The positive encouragement that Mama now offered could not instantly wipe away the negative words she had spoken before. Nevertheless, the memory of Mama’s former discouragement did not stop Kitten from passionately pondering a walk to the pier and the carousel. Instead, it made her want to change. It made her want to grow from the experience and to flower into her best self. She wanted to use this experience in a positive way, to develop her loving, giving, all-forgiving personality, and to learn to look the other way.

One day, while Karen was playing alone in her front yard, she overheard the neighbor’s children telling stories about how colorful the carousel was and how much they enjoyed riding the horses. Hearing this made her want to ride the carousel even more. It ignited the inspiration within her. If the other children could, then why couldn’t she? She admitted to herself that she was afraid, but she felt herself growing more determined.

#cerebralpalsy #disabilities #courage

The Healing Horse, Chapter 4: Resentment and Reconciliation with Reality, Scene 5: Ice Cream and Independence—Mama Reflects

Parents can feel terrible guilt if they do anything that harms their child, and then even more guilt if they see themselves as imperfect.

After their blow-up and reconciliation, Kitten sleeps well, but her Mama feels overwhelmed by guilt about her parenting and guilt about her overeating. Her mind spins as she stuffs down her feelings with ice cream and takes an oath to change for the better.

Scene 5: Ice Cream and Independence—Mama Reflects

That night, after her precious Krana Layala was asleep, Mama wandered to the fridge. She had promised herself that she would stop eating late at night, but after that blow-up before dinner, she owed herself some enjoyment. Besides, she felt as if she had been punched right in the gut. She needed a little something to settle her stomach.

One scoop at a time, she filled a large soup bowl to the brim with rocky road ice cream. With every scoop, she beat herself up for her compulsive eating.

She turned out the light, and the house was dark. Only the glow from the television in the living room was left. She tottered toward the dim light, feeling her exhaustion. Jack Parr was on, but she couldn’t keep her mind on what he was saying. Karen’s accusations rang true not only in her head but in her heart, and she knew every one of her daughter’s words had been true.
You are so overprotective, you won’t let me try anything new on my own. You’re so afraid of my hurting myself that you, and you alone, are going to make me into a real cripple.

Bite after bite, she savored the ice cream, even as tears overflowed her eyes and added salt to the sweet. She still could not believe what her eyes had shown her. She could not believe that Kitten had boiled water and used a sharp knife without ever being taught. All without hurting herself. She knew her daughter was asserting her independence, like other children her age, but she had trouble believing that independence was possible for her child. Not for the child she had crippled with the DPT shot.

I don’t want my sweet Krana Layala to suffer. Every time she tries something and she fails, it will be on my head because I didn’t keep her safe and protected. I may be controlling her and making her feel guilty, but only I can see what she really needs. She’s too young to know. If I holler every time she tries something positive, we’re going to fight all the time. Then I’ll lose her completely. This world is not a nice place. They don’t treat people like my Kitten fairly. They’ll steal from her, make fun of her, and leave her to rot. People don’t want to understand or take the time to see who she really is. So I have to intercede. Oh God, how I hate myself for authorizing that shot.

In that split second, Mama knew she had to stop being overprotective. She knew she did not need ice cream to settle her stomach. She needed it to settle her heart. But it never did. With every spoonful of ice cream, she hated herself more for eating it and for not having the willpower to say no to it. She hated herself because the only way she could cope with what Karen had said was to eat it down with something really good. She had to change her ways, and she had to start right now. She had promised her child, but she really had to do it, too. Otherwise, she would not only lose her child, but she would never give Karen the healthy attitudes and upbringing she deserved. She had to let go, right now, or her overprotectiveness would destroy Karen. She would not raise Karen the way her mother had raised her. It had been hard enough growing up that way and being able-bodied.

She finished the ice cream and looked at the empty bowl resting on her stomach. If I didn’t love her so much, I wouldn’t feel so guilty. I have to change.

#cerebralpalsy #disabilities #parenting