The Healing Horse, Ch. 18, Scene 3 : The Child Study Team

image of mad scientist with circle and bar to negate him

In this scene, little Karen begins thinking about the Child Study Team and how she will deal with these evil doctors, who want to enrich themselves by performing unnecessary surgeries on disabled children. (Image courtesy of Pierre-Alain Gouanvic, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Scene 3 : The Child Study Team

She knew that the Child Study Team was supposed to improve her education by making sure that everything was customized just for her. She knew how proud the school was to be among the first to use this new approach of bringing in experts to advise them on how to help each child as an individual. But to her, it felt like they were using her and the other kids as guinea pigs, and that the real reason the experts showed up was to collect their fees.

The doctors derived fees for surgeries and from referrals to other surgeons. Motivated by greed, they tampered with the bodies of disabled children, and then disguised their unnecessary surgeries as treatments. Of one thing, Kitten was certain. She did not want any unnecessary operations on her left arm and right leg. Several of the doctors had recommended surgery to Mama, before, and Kitten knew instinctively how she had to react. She was not going to come across as a phony, brown-nosing kind of girl. She was not going to allow unscrupulous physicians, who treated her with little respect, to cut her into pieces. She was going to stand up for herself.

She remembered the battle to give her control over the locks on her leg brace. When she was three, the doctors had put her into a brace that kept her left leg straight twenty-four hours a day. It was supposed to help her stand and walk. She had to sleep in it, and when she walked she had to hike up her left hip with every step. The brace also contained a knee pad that kept her from flexing her knee even a tiny bit. By the time Karen was five, Mama could see that she was never going to learn to walk normally if she could not bend her knee. The doctors were against removing the pad or allowing Karen to bend her knee because their guidelines said to keep her leg rigid. Mama had to argue with them. They wanted to follow their theory whether it helped Karen or not. They never admitted that their ideas might need changing, though they eventually gave in. They removed the pad and made the locks adjustable so Karen could make the brace rigid or flexible as needed. She immediately began walking more normally. This experience gave her proof that she should not believe everything the experts said.

Now that she had clarity concerning her foreboding, she wanted to take command of her destiny. That was critical, right now. Karen’s thoughts traveled back to the experts. She knew that she would have to see them whether she wanted to or not. That was just how life was, especially in the second semester of the school year. In their vulture-like glory, they would descend upon the school and its handicapped students.

Oh, how that term, handicapped, rankles me. In fact, every one of the experts rankles me, except the one understanding soul among them, Mrs. Athena Pinzetti.

The Healing Horse, Ch. 18, Scene 2: Pre-Semester Worries in the Kitchen

image of bagel with cream cheese and lox

In this scene, little Karen is in a daze from worries over the coming semester. She has only one friend at school, and on top of being lonely she is under the thumb of a group of evil doctors, but she finds strength in her newly-born confidence–and a yummy bagel. (Image courtesy of Helen Cook, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.)

Scene 2: Pre-Semester Worries in the Kitchen

Now that she had part of the supernatural answer, she sadly rose from bed and meandered into the kitchen, with little awareness of anything outside her own thoughts and feelings. She was alone. Mama had left to run her Saturday errands and visit friends.

In the kitchen, she carefully put her strong right foot onto the lowest rung of a barstool, so she could push herself up and sit down. Mama had left half of a poppy seed bagel on a dessert plate for her. Focusing her mind and drawing on the little energy she felt, she spread it with cream cheese and topped it with lox. She knew she needed good nutrition to get through the next few weeks.

As she chewed the bagel, her mind chewed over her difficulties with learning new academic material. She would have to master new subjects, and she did not know how she would do it. Challenges always pained her, even as she found ways to succeed at them. Even though she knew she would focus on achieving rather than on failing, she questioned herself and her abilities over and over again.

With the dawn of the new semester, her classmates would talk about what they had done over the winter holiday. Like her, they had all stayed home, but they had stayed home in non-magical ways.

What could she say about her winter break? She visualized herself standing up in class and saying, “Just before Thanksgiving, my mother and I moved from our little house in the valley into a beautiful Topanga Canyon home. And it’s just down the street from the stables, where my magical horse lives. During the holiday break, I got to ride him, everyday, and he told me all about life and love and the yin and yang of existence. And we even went to Disneyland, where everyone thought being magical was great. But then, I also had a dream about finding treasure, so we would be well off, but in the dream I was trampled by hundreds of screaming children, and the treasure turned out to be worthless chocolate candy.”

Nobody’s going to believe this! How am I going to get through this? How am I going to get along with the other kids at school? And how am I going to make a place for myself in the world, when I grow up? Tammy Beaumont is the only friend I have at school. The other kids all think I’m strange. Nobody’s going to believe I have a magical horse. They’ll think I’m going nuts.

She knew that, somehow, she would get through this, and that she would master the academics. But how? For a moment, her raw nerves made her throat dry. She choked on a piece of bagel, and had to gulp water to get it down.

Then her mind jumped to the dreaded Child Study Team, the group of doctors and so-called experts who controlled every aspect of her education. When would they call her for the evaluation they did on her at the beginning of each semester? They supervised her education and controlled much of her life, even though they saw her only twice each year and had neither feeling nor concern for her as a person.

Fortunately, Pegasus had given her the inner confidence to believe in herself, so she was stronger than she had been in the past. Nevertheless, confronting the Child Study Team and the other students in January of 1964 would be a test of her endurance, patience, tolerance, and stamina. She knew this.

The Healing Horse, Ch. 18: Pre-Semester Worries, Scene 1: Saturday Morning Worries

image of wood-framed chalkboard with words back to school written on it

In this scene, worry and fear torment little Karen, as she contemplates returning to school and to the gulf that she feels separates her from her classmates. (Photo by Deleece Cook on Unsplash)

Scene 1: Saturday Morning Worries

December’s holidays passed in felicitous gratitude, but then at six-forty-five on the morning of Saturday, January 4, 1964, Karen awoke. The dawn light illuminated her room, and she remembered that the new school semester began in only two days.

She recalled her dream, in which she had re-lived both the ordeal and the inspiration that had followed. The vow to set an example of selfless compassion, which she had made on the sidewalk, rang like a bell in her heart, but as she awoke, her mind churned with worries about the next few days of her life.

She was not physically ill. Rather, she was stuck in a stage of uneasiness due to circumstances at school. Whirling in her mind with an unyielding intensity were worries that upset her composure. She could not understand why she felt anxious, but the more she tried to release these feelings, the more intense they became. Back to school sounded ominous, not happy. She tried talking to herself.

“Shush, Karen,you’re going to get through this. Sweetheart, you’re going to be okay.”

The discomfort and uneasiness remained.

She replied to herself, “What’s making me feel like this? I don’t know where these feelings are coming from.”

Then, her intuition told her. She was experiencing perturbation and consternation, which were natural parts of the yin and yang of happiness, the yin and yang that Pegasus had told her about. She was experiencing the great knowledge of the universe, and knew that her happier feelings would resurface in their own time. Yet, such an intellectual explanation of the universal cycle of happiness and despair brought little comfort to one living through the dark part of it.

The Healing Horse, Ch. 17, Scene 7: Commitment

In this scene, after the trauma of being trampled, little Karen finds peace in her soul and realizes that she not only has something special to offer the world, but that she really can become a beacon of hope in the world. (Photo by Allen Cai on Unsplash.)

Scene 7: Commitment

Kitten and Mama arrived home and cleaned her wounds. As Mama winced while applying the Merthiolate, Kitten sang a song from her soul. She did not yet have a solution, but she knew she was headed in the right direction, and that she indeed had something very special to offer. She would become a beacon of hope in the world.

The Healing Horse, Ch 17., Scene 6: Walking Home with Compassion

Painting of young boy sitting with old man on lilly pad.

In this scene, Karen and Mama walk home. Karen reflects on her experience of being trampled, but rather than finding anger in her heart, she finds love, compassion, and the inspiration to share them. Most people do not think of compassion as a traditional Jewish value, but it is. Here is a link to a beautiful article by the late Jay Litvin who, along with doing many other good works, took a leading role in airlifting children from the area contaminated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. (I found the image on the page by Jay Litvin, but it is in a lot of places on the internet, so I assume it is in the public domain. Thanks to whoever painted it.)

Scene 6: Walking Home with Compassion

Mama and Karen said goodbye to the dazed Mrs. Proctor.

“My Krana Layala, those kids ran right over you. Should I carry you? Can you walk?” Mama asked.

Karen’s body hurt all over, but she said, “Yes they did, Mama, but I’ll be okay. I’m just a little bruised. I’ll feel better when we start walking.”

Hand in hand, they left the schoolyard through the same gate by which they had entered. As she had predicted, the pain lessened during the short walk to the gate.

Alone on the sidewalk with Mama, and unobserved by anyone but her mother, Karen let her tears return. She could not believe that what had just occurred had been real, that not one child had cared enough to stop and help her. They all kept running for their candy.

She heaved for more air, the emotional shock more painful than her physical wounds. The unwillingness of others to give up their pursuit of candy when someone was suffering and clearly needed help had shattered and shaken her.

Is this what people think life is about—instant selfish gratification from chocolate, regardless of the human cost? What kind of a world do I live in? How could people hurt other people like this? Is a handful of chocolate more important than a human life? What about kindness and compassion? What about empathy and sympathy? Have we all forgotten how to treat each other? Somehow we have to stop being mean and insensitive. Our greed is out of control.

In her memory, she saw the stampede from above, as if she were looking down from the sky. She lay, a small trampled figure beneath the stampede of older, non-disabled children. The compassionate Mrs. Proctor stood helpless with Mama watching the event unfold.

Conscience awakened, she vowed that she would never ignore someone who needed help. She would teach, demonstrate, and convey the lesson she had learned, today. Manifesting selflessness, she would give compassion and kindness to all. Inhaling, exhaling, composing herself, she vowed, I will be the enlightened one. I will awaken others. I will teach in a way that no one has taught before.

The Healing Horse, Ch. 17, Scene 5: Mama to the Rescue

Drawing of traditional circular life preserver in red

In this scene, the kids have just trampled over little Karen, but she stands up on her own and insists that she would rather endure a trampling than spend her days at home and in fear of life. Mama thinks she has to be Karen’s life preserver, but Karen says she can learn to swim, figuratively speaking. In Karen’s mind, she would rather risk anything than give in to fear and limiting beliefs about what she can do. (Illustration courtesy of Fosnez, Matma Rex, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

Scene 5: Mama to the Rescue

She felt herself become safe, again, as Mama surrounded her with her arms and pulled her close. With safety came more tears from Karen and from her mother.

“Are you okay, my Krana Layala? Are you okay, my baby?” Mama asked. “I was surprised when you asked to come. I should’ve said no.”

“I’m okay, Mama, and you did right to let me come. I want to live life. I don’t want to stay home out of fear of being hurt,” Karen sobbed, holding up her burning left hand for Mama to kiss and make well.

“The children stampeded,” said Mrs. Proctor. “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.”

“This is my fault,” added Mama. “I shouldn’t’ve put Karen right in the middle and in front. I should’ve put her at one of the ends, so the others wouldn’t have to run over her.”

“Yes, but the children still should not have run over her.”

“I know,” sighed Mama, “but they’re children. They got over-excited about the chocolate. It was like the rush when a piñata cracks open. Karen got trampled. When I saw them lining up behind my daughter, I should’ve thought faster. I should’ve foreseen what could happen. I should’ve been quicker to see what was about to happen. Just like when the doctor gave her the shot, I wasn’t thinking of the possible consequences fast enough to stop him.”

Karen got to her feet, and watched as Mama quickly examined her. She knew her knees were scratched, and both her hands were bruised, but she was glad when Mama said she did not have any broken bones. She felt herself become calmer, and her tears stopped.

Looking up at Mama and Mrs. Proctor, she said, “Don’t worry. I’ll survive.”

“Karen,” Mrs. Proctor said, “Let me get you something to make you feel better. I’ll get you some of the treasure for your very own. Would you like that?”

Karen smiled and nodded her head, as Mrs. Proctor hurried away. Mama continued holding her, soothing her hurts. In a moment, Mrs. Proctor returned with a small brown paper bag.

“Kitten, here’s some of the treasure, just for you!”

Karen reached toward the bag and then paused, looking up at her mother for permission. Mama nodded and told her to go ahead. She took the bag and thanked Mrs. Proctor. The bag was filled with chocolate kisses and bite-size chocolate bars, all covered in gold or jewel-tone foil. Karen fought back more tears. This was her prize. This was what the other children had trampled her to get—not jewels, not gold–just chocolate. She thought about how hard Mama worked to feed her and to pay their mortgage. Chocolates were not going to help Mama. This was not real treasure, and yet the other children had stomped over her to get to it. She thanked Mrs. Proctor and said she would like to go home.

National Disabilities Employment Month (NDEAM)

Last month was National Disabilities Employment Awareness Month. I didn’t post about because I didn’t feel I had much new I could add to the conversation. I’d already written about my own struggles finding suitable employment, my battle with the State of California so I could go to college, and the discrimination I faced as an adult with CP and dyslexia who, for obvious reasons, did not do well on written tests. If you missed reading about this part of my life, you can get the story here (and, yes, that’s a snapshot of me with my new college diploma).

Today, I do have something new to add to the discussion about disabilities and employment. Barry Franklin of CounselingSchools.org wrote me a few days ago and asked me to promote some of the information that his organization is trying to get out to people with disabilities, and especially to students with disabilities. To start, they have an interview with Aaron Konopasky, PhD, JD (yes–a doctorate and he’s an attorney–good guy to have on our side!) Here’s a bit about him, quoted from the Counseling Schools website:

Aaron Konopasky, PhD, JD has served as a senior attorney-advisor for the EEOC for 11 years. In addition to his work developing federal regulations and providing sub-regulatory guidance, Konopasky coordinates with other federal agencies on equal employment opportunity requirements. He also does public outreach and training on the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and other nondiscrimination laws such as the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act (GINA), the Age Discrimination in Employment Act (ADEA), and Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Finally, here is a link to the interview. The focus is on mental health conditions, but the thinking applies to any kind of disability. To quote, Aaron Konopasky, again:

To have a disability is to have a major life activity substantially limited in the absence of treatment and other medicating measures. That’s also during an active episode, so if you have something that comes and goes, you’re supposed to evaluate it when it’s present.

CounselingSchools.org has also published a number of comprehensive Guides and Interviews to to help all students in their journey to gaining a degree.

Just for future reference, I added some links to Counseling Schools and to the EEOC to the Whispers of Hope Special Needs Resources page.

Onward we go! Remember what I always tell people. If Karen can do it, you can do it, too! I’ll be by your side all the way!

Karen

The Healing Horse, Ch 17., Scene 4: Trampled

In this scene, the race begins, Karen’s badly designed leg brace locks and throws her face down onto the playground asphalt. She struggles to regain her feet, but the stampeding children trample her.

Close-up photo of asphalt courtesy of StockyPics, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

Scene 4: Trampled

Within seconds, a blast from Mrs. Proctor’s starting pistol signaled the beginning of the race. Everybody was off, including Kitten—but instead of running with the other children, she took two steps and fell. She had shuffled her right foot, which tripped her left and shook loose the locks on her brace. The brace had locked, and she had toppled forward hard toward the asphalt. She had fallen many times in her life, so she knew how to react. Pivoting to the left, she broke the fall with her strong right hand. She lowered her right elbow to the surface for additional support and immediately pulled her right knee up, so she could get her strong leg under her and stand. She was confident that she could rise quickly, adjust the brace, and continue in the race.

The trampling came from behind, as the other children raced over her. The first collision knocked her flat. She felt a heavy foot stomp on the middle of her back, as a child tripped over her. Another foot grazed the back of her head. She pushed with her right hand, trying to raise her upper body, but could only watch as feet in sneakers stepped on her outstretched fingers. Her left hand had landed by her side, palm down, and was also crushed flat by the trampling feet. As more footsteps landed on her back, legs and head, she got both hands under her face to protect it from the asphalt. With complete determination, she kept pushing up, now simply trying to escape, but the relentless avalanche of children immobilized her on the asphalt.

As suddenly as it started, the trampling ended. She looked up to see the other children racing toward their prizes. Tears burned her eyes. Her ears rang from the kicks to her head and the shouts to get out of the way. Her left hand pulsated, red with pain. Normally, the fingers were slightly curled. They could not straighten on their own. Now, the fingers were completely straight and stinging in agony.

As she rolled onto her back and sat up, Mrs. Proctor and Mama arrived. Kitten looked up at them, and then down at her once pretty pink overalls, now torn and dirty rags. Her right knee and both of her elbows bled from scrapes. Gravel was embedded in both knees and palms.

The Healing Horse, Ch. 17, Scene 3: Karen Positions Herself

In this scene, Karen tries to wait patiently for the treasure hunt to start, and we learn a little about leg brace design and the assumptions that doctors and medical device designers made about children with cerebral palsy.

The image is of an ancient Roman coin, courtesy of the French National Library and Wikimedia Commons. Unknown authorUnknown author / French National Library, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Scene 3: Karen Positions Herself

Karen stood patiently, waiting, as the others fidgeted. She lifted her legs and shook them out one at a time, while straightening her pink overalls. She checked her brace locks to make sure they were open and not shut. The brace was designed on the assumption that children with CP were passive and inactive. It supported her left leg by locking it rigidly straight. She could open the locks, when she needed to walk or run, but that defeated the purpose of the brace. Today, she wanted to make sure the locks were open so she could run after the treasure.

She took a deep breath and enjoyed the sweetness of Southern California’s seventy-degree weather. Looking down at her white, puffed sleeve tee, she thought, The weather is perfect for a race, but I wonder where the treasure is? It’s nowhere to be seen! Where would they put treasure in this wide-open space? I see nothing at all!

The minutes passed, and she heard the roar of the children behind her become more and more anxious. Her own calm turned to exhilaration, as she, too, felt the excitement.

I wish it would start, already!

My Presentation on Ability Challenges and Lifestyles to the Student Body and Faculty of Rowe Middle School in Oregon

In April of this year, Wilbur Rowe Middle School in Milwaukie, Oregon, celebrated ability challenges and lifestyles.

Here is the part of the message that Molly Burke, the school Success Coach, sent me via my Facebook page:

Our students have a weekly homeroom-like Community Connections class, where we cover a variety of topics such as social-emotional learning, college and career readiness, and celebrations of various cultural, racial, ability, sexuality, etc., heritage months and themes throughout the year.

In April we are celebrating and exploring Ability Challenges and lifestyle. The various aspects of what it’s like to live with visible and invisible differences, abilities, and inequities. A major hope we have is to raise awareness and increase understanding so our kids have more empathy for those experiencing life through a presumably more difficult and less forgiving lens. But we don’t want to make any assumptions. Ultimately, we believe sharing stories teaches as well as anything and would be honored if you wanted to contribute to our school-wide lesson. It’s an opportunity to educate 800+ students and 50 staff.

Might you be interested in saying a little something about yourself and what your life is like? Something simple, in a 2-4 minute video?

She even offered me twenty dollars for my time. I said to put the money to good use at the school. You can imagine I would’ve paid her to spread my message of hope to a group of kids who were all going through their own challenges of early adolescence.

So, I made a video for her to show the students, and they loved it. Here’s what Molly wrote when I asked how it went over:

“The students loved your video and felt it was very uplifting…Thanks again for your participation!!”

That made my heart warm, for sure. You can see the video on my YouTube channel, along with other videos of me spreading my message of hope. Please give it a like and subscribe.

Warmly yours,