From Passivity to Progress

I have spent the last 57 years of my life trying to show the world that a disability is not a death sentence. Again and again, I found my achievements rejected as impossible. They were castoff, unwarranted, and discarded; as the experts and all their knowledge could not measure my learning disability. I was conveniently deemed, mentally retarded, on three separate occasions because of an IQ test that could not measure my abilities. Then, when I went ahead, proved them wrong, and mastered my goals, alone, instead of helping me further, my wonderful experts gave me a thousand new obstacles to overcome. Would it have been so terrible for me to receive a friendly word of encouragement in place of their arrogant criticism?

I guess it was not meant to be! As I had to rely upon myself and those few brave soles that could see my capabilities, what I needed to be successful, and what I would develop into if nurtured. I went from being unable to write a letter to my boyfriend, at the age of eighteen years old, to publishing articles and a book.

Besides my other brandings, I was conveniently classified as having “scattered thoughts” because I dared to have multiple interests. I used dance to build and strengthen my body, while empowering and encouraging myself with words of permission to succeed. My self-worth and confidence soared. I learned not to take no for an answer. I was even able to hang up my full length leg brace in the closet, never ever to wear it again at the age of eleven years old.
It seemed that these professionals were actually ashamed that I had the guts, backbone, and morel fiber to make my life better. I would not settle for the comfortable, docile, submissive existence they were kind enough to allow me to live! What’s even more appalling and inexcusable, is that people who don’t rock the boat, are more likely to get help. Yet, people like myself, get the run around, and no help at all.

In spite of all my achievements, I am still struggling to make a living of my own. I still receive supplemental income despite every effort to be self-sufficient and independent. What’s more is that I am even more single-minded, driven, and determined to live my life on my own terms. I haven’t given up by any means. And, I will continue to live to tell the tale, and thrive, in the gifted and talented ways I was born to provide.

Choice and Destiny Lead to Control and Insidership

I thought I would spend the first blog of the new year on something a little different. I thought I would share and mingle some positives thoughts for my life and yours!

I have learned a great deal from the challenges that have come with my C.P. All my life I have had to work doubly hard to get to where I am and to have created a life for myself and those I care about. Every-time, I mastered a new skill, whether it was driving, getting a job, or building this website, my sense of control over my own life was enhanced. “Destiny has a thousand pieces of wrapping paper over it.” I think what Armand Hammer meant by that is that out of struggle and adversity comes a great desire to achieve in every aspect of our lives. It feels me with pride to know how much I, and each one of you has accomplished in our own lives.

The effort myself and all of us have put out in our families, our work, and our spiritual lives pays off in a hundred different ways. A person can only succeed by putting out all that they are. It has allowed me to lite a spark that has been burning for a very long, long time. And this light has developed into a blazing display of contentment, joy and happiness. Knowing and feeling all of your support with me has given me a new sense of dedication. My hope has expanded and has taken on a new meaning. Because without any of you, I am truly nothing!

The disabled community has a special love for each other, a deep connection and link to a kinship which is un-breakable. A bond that will last until eterinty. This connection, which is based on knowing how much we have worked to achieve. These specific challenges may differ, but, we have seen the glory of the light, and, we know first hand how much we need God and each other to bring hope not only to each other, but to the world. As a great American play-write said, “Our task is to rise and continue.”

In everything that we do, we remind ourselves and the world not to take anything for granted. We defy the all to common idea that nothing is worth a long term effort. I have seen a thousand types of struggle: to deal with discrimination, physical and mental pain, and the daily task of cleaning house, taking a shower, caring for my animals and hubby, and finding within, the courage to reject every limitation other people put on myself.

I hope, that reading this blog I have set up and written for all of you, has made your own struggles a little easier and your joy last a little long.

Poor Standards and Self Education

One of the thing I have always struggled with is the argument between the help I felt I needed, and that which “my helpers” were willing to give me. This was particularly true with my education. I have struggled for many years as you have heard me write about because I didn’t receive the help I truly needed. People either got to much or too little of what they “really” needed. Especially today, where there is very little concern for individual learning styles and needs.

Educator are too worried, anxious, and obsessed with target and memorization. Leaving out the most important concepts to build not only skill, and memorization, but self-confidence and self-esteem. Unfortunately, because I was not getting the help I needed, I had to find other sources and ways to thrive, learn, and retain. My educators, had little understanding of my potential.

Later, I had to fight for the right, to learn, and to go to college, to fill all the empty spots I had not learned in twelve years of education in the educational system. What is wrong with this picture? Today, the educational system has not gotten any better. So my dear readers, and friends, we must forge forward, stay motived, and educate ourselves though travel, reading, and conversation. However, there is far more to be learned.

I had learned a great deal from my own experience, and thoughts I worked with while doing adaptive aerobics and Yoga. The journey is not over my friends. Yet I think we are turning a corner. Every time I write on this blog I am learning from you, as you are from me. This computer is the greatest tool for interaction and learning this world has known.

Dignity & Respect

I keep getting Google blog alerts on Learning Disabilities, and I cannot help but think about the honest dignity and respect we truly get as a person or person(s) with a physical disability or a learning disability.

In my opinion, there is truly very little dignity or respect given us! It is condescending and makes one feel less than good about themselves- as they pat you on the head, and throw you a bone, as you are pushed though the system for there benefit. Never once, in my entire life, have I received anything positive or constructive from the social system that I live in. I have had to fight for myself each and every step of the way- and still am today!

I have been pushed and shoved and prodded into programs and workshops which were really beneath my level to succeed as a normal person in society. I have been looked down upon and scrutinized and labeled mentally retarded each and every time I had an educational desire or goal I wanted to accomplish.

I believe, that true dignity and respect is when others truly try to help you more forward in your life or situation. They not only help by guiding you, but they encourage you, and they believe in you! They show you the way and the ropes to attain those desires before it’s too late or before you are middle age or your life is half over!

They advise and inspire you to keep reaching towards your star’s. And they empower your soul by bringing you hope in your heart. They give you a reason and purpose to keep carrying on. They believe in you too, by their warmth and care as they root you on with encouragement each and every step of the way. They motivate you in ways that work for you. Not in ways that work best for them!

Instead of nurturing you and your development and abilities, they negatively tell you that you have “pike dreams”. They don’t have the insight or the compassion that it takes to either stir you on, or to fortify you with positive affirmations to help you attain another accomplishments in your life. Instead, they reticule you in ways that you question yourself and your motives and abilities. One begins to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being honest and true. Their believe in themselves begins to fade away and they begin to sip on the non-truths the system is feeding them.

This system, is not a system of empowerment- It is a system of beating you down, till you cannot rise up from the hole anymore! How shameful! How heinous a crime to be beaten down for someone elses power and greed, so you have little power or say so over your own life and destiny. How deplorable, despicable, and low-down is that? No matter what you say and try to do to defend yourself makes matters even worse!

And that is why I have tirelessly fought my whole, entire life- and still fight for today! It’s that simple dignity and respect that I too can live, and move, and breathe, like everyone else here on this plant. I am not a monster to be stared at- or to be looked down upon, just because I unfortunately had brain damage and got Cerebral Palsy when I was an infant! We who have disabilities want to partake in this simple thing called life, too! It does not matter what degree we can, just as long as we can , and we can have a say-so in our own lives!

This being said,I am convinced that those who have C.P. like myself, with a learning disability, who REaLLY, truly want to go out into the world and be like every one else in society- making a living for themselves- putting food on the table for themselves, and working with joy amongst others, to put their own clothing on their own backs, as they make their own decisions and choice’s, and pay their way throughout life, just like any other normal human being- for their own wants, and, for their own needs and desires- and with their own income; making choices for themselves without government paid programs or watch dog’s watching their every move. We are frowned and looked down at- and we underhandedly are looked at like we are criminals!

We, C.Per’s like this, want to be dependent on ourselves- not others! We want to live normal healthy lives, and co-existence- living in peace and harmony just like everyone else. We are simply not given the help, the chance, or the opportunity- nor are we given the precious right of dignity and respect to do just that!!!! Oh how I would like to see more dignity and respect for all us people with Cerebral Palsy and a learning disability or any disability for that matter.

We must be there for each other! Perhaps if each and every one of us reading this would stand up for themselves, we could change the way people and the world, and the way these professionals treat us and look at us!

People’s Jealousy

Have you ever been in a situation where you were aware that people were threatened by your action’s, words, thoughts, and deeds? How did you react or respond to them? How did their subtle behavior make you feel? When people or co-worker’s did that to me, it made me feel terrible! It made me question myself, and it made me feel very upset because I knew I had no motives but to do my job as accurately as I could,( which was pretty darn good) and, do my best. Perhaps my best was better then their best- so they felt threatened!

Many a times, throughout my lifetime, I have been around people who were completely threatened by me, my giving attitude and nature, and my ability to work hard, be accurate, and to stay truthful, honest, and loyal to the company, as well as get my job done.

I guess my one hand was faster then there’s! I guess I did everything with my heart, and they could not handle it. If one is not strong enough to handle jealousy, it can be a big deterrent towards working with others successfully. It requires learning to not let other peoples looks, and behavior’s towards you get to you. And that is a skill all of its own- especially if you are disabled.

We are very sensitive, loving, caring, human beings that do not think about maliciously hurting others while working. We just want to fit in! We want to feel like others! We want to feel as though we have a meaning and purpose in this world, and a place to go to and be constructive. We think more about how we can do our job, and get it done. We are not petty, subtle, and contrived. We do not think of how we can hurt or harm others to get ahead in the process.

Some how, experience after experience, living life the best and the fullest we can, we begin to develop a thick enough layer of skin to not let what others say effect us or our ability to work happily and productively. We learn or try to learn one experience at a time to not let people’s jealousy get in the way of our usefulness.

Some times are easier then others… And sometimes, they are very difficult! Sometimes its like taking one step forward and 5 steps back. Sometimes we think we are not learning and growing, yet we are. We just don’t see it or recognize it! Its all in the way we look at others, learn to interact with other’s, and how we choose to deal with other people’s emotions.

If we all learned to work together, in harmony, and learn to share our feelings constructively, without competition in the for-ground; as our main goal and focus… and learn to support and help each other’s in our endeavors, I don’t think we would feel the feeling which we do. I think then we could all learn to live together, get along with each other, and get ahead and not be resentful or jealous.

Open to Learn

Ever since I can remember, no matter how difficult the challenge of learning was for me, I went the distance. Despite my Cerebral Palsy and Dyslexia, and despite being able to write my girlfriends last name instead of my own in first grade, I stayed the course. I remember not being able to sleep at night. I remember worrying my little head off, and thinking and staying up all hours of the night tossing and turning. I remember my mother buying me a pink, Zenith, clock radio so that it would help lull me to sleep! Do you think it helped?

Sometimes! But most nights, I wound up turning the dial for another hour or two of clasical music instead of falling fast asleep by 7:40p.m. I was up until 10 or 11 at night. I can remember rolling over in bed- to and fro, in constant movement and anguish. My mind was never quiet or still. It was always in deep, deep thought. Many a nights I can remember tossing from side to side thinking…”How am I ever going to remember this stuff!” “How am I ever going to remember these words for my spelling test tomorrow…” But some how I did. Somehow, I got through- Maybe it was mind over matter. Maybe I did not realize the power of my word!

And for sure, I did not realize how deeply rooted and seeded my will to succeed was! I really never realize the power of my thought. The power of my intension’s. Nor, did I realize how determined I really was! All I knew was that some how I was going to make it- Some how I knew I HAD TO MAKE IT!

Some how, some way, I found myself trying to overcome and compensate for the barriers I faced. I tried to recognize and counter act what was happening to me. I tried to retain, and I tried to make up and neutralize the blocks and barriers I had. All I wanted was to be able to learn like the other children I went to school with; who pick up the material they were learning with ease. I did not want to be made fun of, nor did I want my school work ripped up by bullies.

My learning never came with that ease for me. It was always hard, difficult, and relentless! It didn’t feel like I was, learning a thing- but I guess I did- I was alway open to a new way of learning and new ways to listen or finding new technique’s or method’s that would help allow me to learn like others.

I was open to listening, to find a better way, and I was open toward a solution to this learning problem I had. I was open to someone who could really help me. I guess because of my open- mind, and receptive attitude, it came to pass. And I am so very grateful I did. Because I think…”Where would I be today if I was not!”

Being Different and Unique

Having Cerebral Palsy and a learning disability has taught me many lesson’s in life. It has taught me to be grateful. It has taught me Patience’s, and the capacity to handle delay, trouble, and for the most part not suffer or feel angry or upset at situations or experiences that have occurred in my life.

Yes, I have felt anger at moments. However, I found constructive ways to deal with my anger and disappointments. I learned to grow from these hurts and sadness. I found ways to compensate for my hurt feelings, my hopes, and my non-fulfillments. I found ways to ease that hurt and pain and learned to make and accept the best of it all. I learned to bounce back and go beyond, too!

I learned that all these experience’s made me a better person and human being. These experiences taught me to feel very grateful for who I am and what all I have been through and accomplished in my life time. Not to say that it has been easy- because it hasn’t! But I have learned to ride the roller-coaster and take the bumps! And, I have learned to count my blessing, give to other’s what I have learned, and I have risen above what “other people” thought of me.

Being different and unique has shown and taught me how beautiful a person I really am. And, it has made me real aware of how unique I am! Being different, and unique, while having Cerebral Palsy is really and truly a gift! These uniqueness have left an indelible mark within my being. It has not only nourished me to be me. But It has nourished me to be the best person I could become, and has made me continually reach for my goals and dreams! It has brought out the kind, compassionate and giving part of me and my nature and made me different than the norm. It has enabled me to fight for whatever I thought was really right in my world,in my thoughts, and idea’s and desires. It has made me a better human being in all areas of my life.

No matter what the feelings are, I will continue to be and stay the unique and different person that I am…

Accountability

In the last few weeks, since I have written, I have learned much again about people in general and human nature. Once again, I find that this world we live in today, is very selfish. People are only out for their own selfish self, and that it is “a dog-eat-dog” world. The government does not recognize you. People tend to look the opposite way, or pat you on the head if you are young. If you shake or tremble they think you are drunk. And then there are those, who yes you, to your face, tell you what you want to hear, but NEver are they really willing to give of themselves and go the distance for you or give you a break, or lend you a kind hand.

I’m here to tell you that there is a hand full of us who have Cerebral Palsy or a learning disability who’s paralyzes is very slight or mild. “We” are the exceptions. We will do anything, and go to ANY lengths to be accountable, responsible, ethical, earnest, and answer up to our actions, need, wants, and desires. We will put ourselves right out their on the line. We will tell people how we feel, we will be honest and truthful, and we will get slapped in the face and rejected because of it! People just don’t want to own up or be accountable to US! “The norm is just not that way- They want little or nothing to do with us. They want their fee’s, but when you ask for yourself… well, they want you to do it for nothing!

For those of us like myself, how are we, then, suppose to make it in society? How are we truly suppose to support ourselves? How are we to get along in a world when we won’t be treated as an equal? I ask you? It’s getting worse and worse out there. The economy is not getting ANY better, politicians are out for their own political agenda. And, if the government doesn’t care, and they keep cutting our benefits, as well as our yearly Social Security cost of living increses. By their actions, they are telling us with disabilities, that we are not important or mean anything to society. They don’t care enough to recognize us, our talent, or our abilities, and they frown upon anyone who does…how is it then, that they are REAlly giving us a “real” so called chance. Where is the”real compassion to be accountable to help those who are desperately trying to help themselves.

We try so hard to do everything possible to walk, beyond what we’ve known to make a new and better life for ourselves, and, yet, repeatedly, we are hit down with a sledge hammer to keep us in the same place and predicament we have known from the get go.

All I know is that I am getting a very thick coat and armor:>)) I also know that I personally would give my right, good, arm to help someone who needed it; weather they had the money or not. I would help them feel worthy and have the self-confidence and worth in their heart and soul of succeeding.

I must be honest with all of you when I say this really hurts and breaks my heart;

Self-Determination

Ever since I can remember, I have ALWAYS been self-determined. It has been a contributing partnership in my life from the very early days of my being. Where did it come from? I could not tell you- but I knew it has been all powerful, and has always been there for me. I guess you could call it an instinct, a sixth sense- It was always by my side. It has walked hand and hand with me in every situation in my life, and everything I have gone through.

It has been like a trusted servant, or a very good friend, guiding, guarding and lighting my way. It was always there when I needed to call on it; especially when I came to major turning points in my life, and I needed guidance, answers, and protection.

I somehow knew I could turn to it, and rely upon it. It never turned me away, nor did it steered me wrong! It was always there, right in the pit of my gut, right near my heart. And the times I did not listen, it made me see and become that much more aware of just how important it was to do so. I could turn to it in a split second. When I needed it the most.

I would listen very carefully to its quiet, gentle voice. And I would listen to what it was telling me to do or what road to follow. If I was patient enough, and willing enough to go through the feelings and the emotions, I would always get the answer’s I was looking for or needed.

When experts or individuals told me…”ahhhh sweetheart, you know that this task is too difficult for you”… or, “…you know you have trouble learning…” I would proved them wrong. I would literally take matters into my own hands without verbally speaking or saying a word to anyone. Them telling me I could not do something would fire me up inside, made me angry, and thus, gave me the motivation I needed to prove them wrong.

These were some of my most intuitive moments. I seemed to be able to hear what they were saying, tune them out, know that, that was their opinion, and intuitively knew that they were wrong in the pit of my gut. Somehow I was able to work these feelings and emotions out, released the negative impact these words, phrases, and tapes had upon me, and turn them around to become a positive and all powerful force within myself. I would become steadfast in my thinking, and affirm what I wanted to change within myself and who I wanted to become. Thus, believing in myself when no one else did, and acting on those beliefs within myself, ultimately transformed my life.

I am so very grateful to myself, because who knows what kind of person I would have become, if I did not listen or allow myself to be the unique individual that I am.

Scrutinized

In my life-time I have been under heavy scrutinizing because I chose to live my life on my own teams. I chose to live my life as a “Normal” person who has feelings, wants, needs, and desires-

I have talked up for myself, been faithful to myself, and, I have been determined to be treated with dignity and respect! When employers, co-workers, organizations, or individual’s rewarded those around me who were talking down, behind, and around my back, or taking credit or advantage, of a current situation for something I did. I was also wrongly scolded for being dressed inappropriately for teaching a fitness class, while being hired as a fitness instructor,too.

In each of these situations, I spoke up for myself and stood my ground. I never sold myself short. I lived by a standard of truth, honesty, integrity, and doing my job to the best of my ability and then some. I went above and beyond in all my duties, and gave a 120 % with all the goodness in my heart-

Today, I know differently-

And, because of this, I have been able to rise above it all. I have been accountable and responsible for all my actions and conducts. I have accomplished goals in my life, step by step that other’s may have looked disapprovingly of. Because of my motivation and willingness to succeed in every area of my life, I have been insulted, scorned, made fun of, studied, and criticized to the hilt. I have been examined, and looked down upon, and grudgingly made to feel small. Moreover,I have been looked at very closely and thoroughly with peering eyes. and still, I have been looked at with such discuss, objection, and in such a hypocritical, disconcerting kind of way, that it truly hurt.

These people found careful and meticulous ways to get rid of me. They found ways for me to be the “bad girl”. These individuals called my left arm “a wing”, and mimic my limp and how I walk!

Why! Well, I don’t really know- But these high ranking bosses were from a host of well known organizations that are still around and in existence today. These are people who call themselves professionals, who also call themselves compassionate- they thought they knew more or new better than me. Unfortunately, these professionals in the disable field, employers, psychologist, and doctor’s are way too many.. actually to think about now, bother me, or hurt me anymore in my life, because I have moved on and away from the hurt, pain, and residue . I have healed and truly want to let go of these memories that have shaped my life. I want to help others, instead, to work thought their own- by what I have experienced in mine.

These so called “professionals have wanted to probe my physical well being, and make sure I was emotionally stable- They have investigated and inquired into my life in ways that made me feel humiliated, judged, less than normal, scared, nervous, hopeless, and even helpless at times, but I was like a Trojan horse ready to surpass attack. I kept carrying on despite them, in an honest, triumphant, and truthful way.

Instead of making an individual comfortable within their own being, and rewarding them for their conscientiousness and integrity, they made me feel like I was on trial, or was a criminal who had committed the worst kind of crime!

Why, you may be asking yourself? Because I worked my hardest with the “ABIlitIES I had before me” I worked to accomplish my duty’s all the time. I worked with an accuracy and a perfection, and I always came into work happy, with a kind word, and a smile on my face looking forward to each and every day. I never let my Cerebral Palsy or learning disability get in my way. I worked to over-come them, as I worked to be like the “Norm” And I did what was asked of me no matter what.

Most the times, though, my work was better. It was better than a person without a disability! I never worked to compete with others. I worked to accept and be in harmony with those around me, however, they could not, “see” it! I wanted so desperately wanted to fit in, I wanted them to accept me for me, the hard work I completed and performed, and as an equal, individual wanting to work in the work place as a team player, a leader with a balance. An individual with the same qualities as everyone around me. I wanted to be equal to, or have the same kind of equivalents as them all.

But I know differently now! I know what this world is like. I have dealt with people, and have had many experiences to make me strong, which alert me to these acts of in-humanity. I have been introduced and made aware of- and have lived in a world where people have this ruthless way about then, where they must be better than the next guy, desiring more success, greed, power, and control.

These people could not, nor were they willing to, so they hurt me and belittled me in the process. They did everything they could with-in their power to make me believe contrary to the truth at hand. But I grew up, and I saw beyond the truth, and, their conniving ways. “They” “TRIed” to put me down, and pull the wool over my eyes, in ways that were de-humanizing! In the long term I rose above them all! And I am grateful for these lessons. I am endepted to them as I came out the winner- Maybe not financially, But morally, I did indeed!

These people have been very threaten of me, and the way I conducted myself. They were intimidated, and afraid that I could do better or go farther and, you know what- I did! I really did! Perhaps I did do a better job- perhaps, better with one hand, then they could with two!

But with all judgment aside, and all do respect, these professional in these communities were indeed threaten of me. They were frighten of, or overawe as a hostel individual or human being of what I said, stood for, or was trying to do in my job, life, as an honest, free of deceit, whole-hearted manner.

Thus, I have set my own bar of excellence. And, I have continued to raise it. Yes, I may not have held a full time career like the norm, but I have lived my life by my own standards of truth, and honesty. I have had the soundness of thought and mind to live my life in a mindful and whole way, with internal consistency, and lack of corruption.

I have lived my life today never doubting myself, my abilities, my good character, my principles, or by selling myself short in a deceitful, conniving way.

Thus, in closing, I will continue to live my life in a trustworthy, dignified, truthful, sincere way, and to be a light and an example for others to emulate.