Accountability

In the last few weeks, since I have written, I have learned much again about people in general and human nature. Once again, I find that this world we live in today, is very selfish. People are only out for their own selfish self, and that it is “a dog-eat-dog” world. The government does not recognize you. People tend to look the opposite way, or pat you on the head if you are young. If you shake or tremble they think you are drunk. And then there are those, who yes you, to your face, tell you what you want to hear, but NEver are they really willing to give of themselves and go the distance for you or give you a break, or lend you a kind hand.

I’m here to tell you that there is a hand full of us who have Cerebral Palsy or a learning disability who’s paralyzes is very slight or mild. “We” are the exceptions. We will do anything, and go to ANY lengths to be accountable, responsible, ethical, earnest, and answer up to our actions, need, wants, and desires. We will put ourselves right out their on the line. We will tell people how we feel, we will be honest and truthful, and we will get slapped in the face and rejected because of it! People just don’t want to own up or be accountable to US! “The norm is just not that way- They want little or nothing to do with us. They want their fee’s, but when you ask for yourself… well, they want you to do it for nothing!

For those of us like myself, how are we, then, suppose to make it in society? How are we truly suppose to support ourselves? How are we to get along in a world when we won’t be treated as an equal? I ask you? It’s getting worse and worse out there. The economy is not getting ANY better, politicians are out for their own political agenda. And, if the government doesn’t care, and they keep cutting our benefits, as well as our yearly Social Security cost of living increses. By their actions, they are telling us with disabilities, that we are not important or mean anything to society. They don’t care enough to recognize us, our talent, or our abilities, and they frown upon anyone who does…how is it then, that they are REAlly giving us a “real” so called chance. Where is the”real compassion to be accountable to help those who are desperately trying to help themselves.

We try so hard to do everything possible to walk, beyond what we’ve known to make a new and better life for ourselves, and, yet, repeatedly, we are hit down with a sledge hammer to keep us in the same place and predicament we have known from the get go.

All I know is that I am getting a very thick coat and armor:>)) I also know that I personally would give my right, good, arm to help someone who needed it; weather they had the money or not. I would help them feel worthy and have the self-confidence and worth in their heart and soul of succeeding.

I must be honest with all of you when I say this really hurts and breaks my heart;

Self-Determination

Ever since I can remember, I have ALWAYS been self-determined. It has been a contributing partnership in my life from the very early days of my being. Where did it come from? I could not tell you- but I knew it has been all powerful, and has always been there for me. I guess you could call it an instinct, a sixth sense- It was always by my side. It has walked hand and hand with me in every situation in my life, and everything I have gone through.

It has been like a trusted servant, or a very good friend, guiding, guarding and lighting my way. It was always there when I needed to call on it; especially when I came to major turning points in my life, and I needed guidance, answers, and protection.

I somehow knew I could turn to it, and rely upon it. It never turned me away, nor did it steered me wrong! It was always there, right in the pit of my gut, right near my heart. And the times I did not listen, it made me see and become that much more aware of just how important it was to do so. I could turn to it in a split second. When I needed it the most.

I would listen very carefully to its quiet, gentle voice. And I would listen to what it was telling me to do or what road to follow. If I was patient enough, and willing enough to go through the feelings and the emotions, I would always get the answer’s I was looking for or needed.

When experts or individuals told me…”ahhhh sweetheart, you know that this task is too difficult for you”… or, “…you know you have trouble learning…” I would proved them wrong. I would literally take matters into my own hands without verbally speaking or saying a word to anyone. Them telling me I could not do something would fire me up inside, made me angry, and thus, gave me the motivation I needed to prove them wrong.

These were some of my most intuitive moments. I seemed to be able to hear what they were saying, tune them out, know that, that was their opinion, and intuitively knew that they were wrong in the pit of my gut. Somehow I was able to work these feelings and emotions out, released the negative impact these words, phrases, and tapes had upon me, and turn them around to become a positive and all powerful force within myself. I would become steadfast in my thinking, and affirm what I wanted to change within myself and who I wanted to become. Thus, believing in myself when no one else did, and acting on those beliefs within myself, ultimately transformed my life.

I am so very grateful to myself, because who knows what kind of person I would have become, if I did not listen or allow myself to be the unique individual that I am.

Scrutinized

In my life-time I have been under heavy scrutinizing because I chose to live my life on my own teams. I chose to live my life as a “Normal” person who has feelings, wants, needs, and desires-

I have talked up for myself, been faithful to myself, and, I have been determined to be treated with dignity and respect! When employers, co-workers, organizations, or individual’s rewarded those around me who were talking down, behind, and around my back, or taking credit or advantage, of a current situation for something I did. I was also wrongly scolded for being dressed inappropriately for teaching a fitness class, while being hired as a fitness instructor,too.

In each of these situations, I spoke up for myself and stood my ground. I never sold myself short. I lived by a standard of truth, honesty, integrity, and doing my job to the best of my ability and then some. I went above and beyond in all my duties, and gave a 120 % with all the goodness in my heart-

Today, I know differently-

And, because of this, I have been able to rise above it all. I have been accountable and responsible for all my actions and conducts. I have accomplished goals in my life, step by step that other’s may have looked disapprovingly of. Because of my motivation and willingness to succeed in every area of my life, I have been insulted, scorned, made fun of, studied, and criticized to the hilt. I have been examined, and looked down upon, and grudgingly made to feel small. Moreover,I have been looked at very closely and thoroughly with peering eyes. and still, I have been looked at with such discuss, objection, and in such a hypocritical, disconcerting kind of way, that it truly hurt.

These people found careful and meticulous ways to get rid of me. They found ways for me to be the “bad girl”. These individuals called my left arm “a wing”, and mimic my limp and how I walk!

Why! Well, I don’t really know- But these high ranking bosses were from a host of well known organizations that are still around and in existence today. These are people who call themselves professionals, who also call themselves compassionate- they thought they knew more or new better than me. Unfortunately, these professionals in the disable field, employers, psychologist, and doctor’s are way too many.. actually to think about now, bother me, or hurt me anymore in my life, because I have moved on and away from the hurt, pain, and residue . I have healed and truly want to let go of these memories that have shaped my life. I want to help others, instead, to work thought their own- by what I have experienced in mine.

These so called “professionals have wanted to probe my physical well being, and make sure I was emotionally stable- They have investigated and inquired into my life in ways that made me feel humiliated, judged, less than normal, scared, nervous, hopeless, and even helpless at times, but I was like a Trojan horse ready to surpass attack. I kept carrying on despite them, in an honest, triumphant, and truthful way.

Instead of making an individual comfortable within their own being, and rewarding them for their conscientiousness and integrity, they made me feel like I was on trial, or was a criminal who had committed the worst kind of crime!

Why, you may be asking yourself? Because I worked my hardest with the “ABIlitIES I had before me” I worked to accomplish my duty’s all the time. I worked with an accuracy and a perfection, and I always came into work happy, with a kind word, and a smile on my face looking forward to each and every day. I never let my Cerebral Palsy or learning disability get in my way. I worked to over-come them, as I worked to be like the “Norm” And I did what was asked of me no matter what.

Most the times, though, my work was better. It was better than a person without a disability! I never worked to compete with others. I worked to accept and be in harmony with those around me, however, they could not, “see” it! I wanted so desperately wanted to fit in, I wanted them to accept me for me, the hard work I completed and performed, and as an equal, individual wanting to work in the work place as a team player, a leader with a balance. An individual with the same qualities as everyone around me. I wanted to be equal to, or have the same kind of equivalents as them all.

But I know differently now! I know what this world is like. I have dealt with people, and have had many experiences to make me strong, which alert me to these acts of in-humanity. I have been introduced and made aware of- and have lived in a world where people have this ruthless way about then, where they must be better than the next guy, desiring more success, greed, power, and control.

These people could not, nor were they willing to, so they hurt me and belittled me in the process. They did everything they could with-in their power to make me believe contrary to the truth at hand. But I grew up, and I saw beyond the truth, and, their conniving ways. “They” “TRIed” to put me down, and pull the wool over my eyes, in ways that were de-humanizing! In the long term I rose above them all! And I am grateful for these lessons. I am endepted to them as I came out the winner- Maybe not financially, But morally, I did indeed!

These people have been very threaten of me, and the way I conducted myself. They were intimidated, and afraid that I could do better or go farther and, you know what- I did! I really did! Perhaps I did do a better job- perhaps, better with one hand, then they could with two!

But with all judgment aside, and all do respect, these professional in these communities were indeed threaten of me. They were frighten of, or overawe as a hostel individual or human being of what I said, stood for, or was trying to do in my job, life, as an honest, free of deceit, whole-hearted manner.

Thus, I have set my own bar of excellence. And, I have continued to raise it. Yes, I may not have held a full time career like the norm, but I have lived my life by my own standards of truth, and honesty. I have had the soundness of thought and mind to live my life in a mindful and whole way, with internal consistency, and lack of corruption.

I have lived my life today never doubting myself, my abilities, my good character, my principles, or by selling myself short in a deceitful, conniving way.

Thus, in closing, I will continue to live my life in a trustworthy, dignified, truthful, sincere way, and to be a light and an example for others to emulate.

Normal

Normal- conforming to a norm, standard, regular, a normal temperature. ( psychol.) Conforming to the standard or average for a particular type or group (loosely) mentally or emotionally sound. (math) Says the New Webster’s Dictionary and Thesaurus.

So what is “NORmaL” to you?

Being normal to me, is being able to accept myself as I am in totality. It is being able to accept myself as our maker has made me- including all the trails, challenges, and joys of my life. Seen and unseen- It is being able to accept what happened to me when I was only 5 months old. And, it is being able to see the whole of me despite what others may think. Which really is none of my business at all!

My business is to continue to carry on- it is to continue to be the best person I can be no matter what. Normal to me, is learning about myself, and reaching beyond in all area’s of my life- mentally, physically, and spiritually- It is truly being able to see how my maker wanted me, to rise above these challenges, that have not only confronted my spirit, but have shown me who I am, even with my Cerebral Palsy, and a learning disability, and what I could become, achieve, contribute to the world, and rise above…

“Being normal” could also be what we think others want us to be. That we don’t “fit in” or act or speak, or dress a certain way. Normal to one person is not normal to another, as we all see things in our lives, in a different perspective and light. We all have thoughts, and feelings, and issues, that we deal with on all different levels. However, if we could not lay labels, barriers, and stigmas on others human beings, to make them feel ugly, inferior, or desperate inside, because of our own belief system, or what society make us to believe- we would find out that we are “ALL normal”

Everyone is different and unique in their own birthright. You can see some disabilities while not others. Who is it then, for us to judge another person, or say what is “NORmaL” .

Integrity

I got to thinking about this word, integrity, and I realize I have stood behind myself, my words, and my beliefs as a human being, and, a person with Cerebral Palsy and a learning disability a hundred percent of the way- throughout my entire life- I have believed in myself when others didn’t. I proved myself even though other didn’t think I could accomplish or achieve. I fought with my own, strong, morel conviction. Not bowing to others with wicket tongues. When I was called “Mentally Retarded”- it hurt- of course it hurt! Very badly- but I gathered my strength within myself, and I made those negative words and statements into positives- with a shield and a sword that could fend of the worst of the worst.

I continue to think to myself… “why is it that I am so pure, honest, direct, and sincere? Why is it that others can’t see that within me. Why is it they cannot acknowledge this or praise me for this or help me in the little way I may need helping?? I ask myself… why can’t people handle my honesty? Is it because the world is not that honest, and they are ONLY out for their own selfish self?

Tell me! Are we living in such a world where people only look out for their own good and do not “reaLLY” care about others, or helping others?

I hate to say this, but I do think so! Yes, there are a handful of us out there… who are willing to help others go the distance, and they open amazing doors for others… they give and share of themselves genuinely and completely. But that is not the norm in our “Competitive” world and society today. My belief has alway been to help the next guy. So together we could live in peace and harmony and make a difference together. There is ALWays room for all of us to have a piece of the pie. There is always room to be happy and spreed that happiness to others! But only if WE are willing to share these gifts with others and do not let our greed, our power, our suave abilities or ego’s to get in the way of our usefulness.

I do not believe in using other’s just to get ahead ourselves. I believe in all good things. I believe in the integrity of helping people to feel good about themselves- I believe in the whole person, and in healing one’s souls- I believe in helping others feel good and worthy of themselves, body, mind, spirit and in heir thoughts and ideas. I believe in genuine kindness- and, I believe in living together in peace and harmony- walking side by side without judgment or fear –

Our world has to much hate and anger in it. It would be so sweet if we could dissolve it like an air balloon letting go of its fuel never to be ever again. I think if we all could contributed just a little, tiny bit every day, in some way, to bring a kind word or deed to others. Our world would start to mend and heal. We would not live in the chaotic way which we do. This act of sharing kindness to others would make a big difference in our society, and contribute to own integrity as a person, a state, a nation, and a universe all around.

My integrity has lasted me all my life, and it will continue, as I am going to keep it for ever more!

Keep on Keeping on

Last night I received a very warm email from a new friend whom I met on the Internet. It warmed the deepest part of my heart because I could feel the words she wrote. “What kind of learning disability” Her words began rejuvenating my soul- lifting my spirits- And as always, her words helped me to see, once again, that all which I do has meaning and purpose and is not in vain-

Yes, I can’t deny the fact that after all these years I’d like to be known or recognized, or be invited as a guest speaker and get reimbursed for going out and delivering these words of peals to all those that want to hear me. I also want to be known for making a huge difference and contribution to other peoples lives.

Oh how I want to give back to the world and to others with disabilities to let them know that they are not alone! It is so vital and important to others and to myself to do this- it sings out to me in melodic form and lyrics, and it brings to mind one of Beethoven’s musical pieces. It tells me over and over again that all of this is so very worth it! All the challenges, all the joys, and all the time in my life I have spent making something of myself.

When my girlfriend wrote these words, I could feel my heart skip a beat, and I knew deep down inside that even if I don’t become a well known keynote speaker, and if I don’t get paid for what I do, that all of my actions here on earth will not go in vain. I know that what I do comes directly from my heart- It come with a sincerity and a goodness within the deeps of my being, to help all that want and ask for it- and It comes from the love inside of me!

Still, after all these years of hard work, effort, determination and action, these kind words are my payment. They are my source of inspiration and reward- they are my hope, and my faith- They are my bread and butter-

My hope is that someday an angel, a miracle, an intervention will come to pass for me- Someone will hear my prayer- some how- somewhere in this all encompassing, competitive, world of ours, some kind soul will recognize me and hear my plea- and my word- and they too will know- they will have been touched- and some-how with their clout they will help me over my bump and hurdle. My continuous hope, and prayer is that this kind someone will find the goodness in their hearts to reach out to me, to make a difference, in not only my life, and help me to open the doors, but ultimately, to help others even more-

I have spent my entire life doing this work that I do for little or nothing and only for “love” in return.

I’d like people to know that I need to do this to live and breathe- It is the air that keeps me going- It is who I am- I need people to know that this is my lifeline- and that I need to do this for not only the good of all man-kind but for my inner-self- it is to be a productive person in society- being able to be independent, self-reliant, self-sustainable by providing and putting my own bread and butter on my own table…

I need the world to know that even people with Cerebral Palsy and a learning disability can succeed- and that they can earn and make a living at something they love to do- I need them to know that our bodies may have impairments but our minds have the same needs, wants and desires, as all people- despite what “professionals and experts” make us and other to believe. We can work- especially at something we are good at doing! I need to share this with all my readers, and the world! There is wayyyyyyyyyyy more to living than being labeled, put down negatively, or abused by others who call themselves professionals or bosses- There is far more for us to do than just work in a workshop setting, or sit at home watching t.v. or sitting on the computer to pass the time of day-

I need all you readers out there to know this- I need you to know that I/ we have desires just like everyone else does. I need you all to know that I don’t want to be taken for grated anymore either. For once in my life, I’d like to make it on my own- living in society- working for a living, and being content with-in my own being. I’d like everyone else to know that “I/all” those with disabilities have desires and talents. we can succeed if given a chance and the opportunity to do so- Time and again I have proved myself- I would like not to be taken for granted anymore- or settle for less than what I am worthy of- just because I have a disability doesn’t mean you can step on and over us like dish rags- Yes this anger’s me- it anger’s me very much!

I really need to let you, my readers, know, that I want to make a difference in my own life by making my OWN livelihood, doesn’t matter if I am married or not, I need to feel my own dependency- on and for myself- doing it my way… I want people to know and understand that I have ALWAY paid my own way for everything I have done in my lifetime- I have not begged or pleaded for donation of such for anything like some I’ve come in contact with- I can do anything I put my mind towards doing, and I have proved this fact through my actions time and again-

For once in my life I would like people to know and understand that yes,I do, do this ALWays “from the goodness and unconditional love of my heart”- but that’s where it stops now. That’s the bottom line here and now. I need others to know that I too need to be compensated for my actions and talents and first hand knowledge now- and until people recognize this- and take me seriously I will keep knocking until opportunity knocks-

Until then, I need to keep hearing these words and I need to keep reminding myself to be very grateful-these words are the precious words that are my reward and payment.

They are sweet as sweet can be- And they reaffirm my goodness. They reaffirm my abilities,and they are a direct result to all the action I have taken throughout my entire life to make me who and what I am today. Over and over again when someone says something like this to me, this quiet warm glow comes over me. It make me radiate peace and harmony- and it bathes my being in joy and happiness.

This voice reminds me to not take things for granted and to be grateful for every experience in my life that I have had to ever go through. It also tells me how far I have come, and where I am going- this inner-voice reverberates reveling gentle messages telling me why I do this- and why I keep on keeping on- It reaffirms to me how it “must be”, and why where-ever I am today it’s where I’m suppose to be! Because I would be somewhere else if it were meant to be!

And thus, it makes me feel quiet inside knowing that someone else recognized my goodness and took the time to tell me who I truly am.

I am Only One Person

Time and time again I think to myself how different this world is than when I was a child. How different it is since I was a young adult just starting on my journey. And how different life has changed and is today.

I am only one person, but it would be so nice to see people giving of themselves freely and unconditionally in a genuine way, or to see acts of kindness shared more often. I am only one person in this world we live in, and I will continue to make a difference in man kinds life in which ever way I can.

What Can I Do

This morning I received a Google alert on learning disabilities, and, oh how I wanted to participate and get involved, and work with these people and share with them what I know to enlighten them. However, the position was in England I believed. It was being part of a council and having a voice for all people with LD to make legal changes in our system, and laws, and to help individuals with learning disabilities.

If people would learn to take our word seriously, that would be such a blessing! Not only for all the millions and millions of individuals, but to get real, honest feedback from people who have paid the price mentally, emotionally, or physically, instead of thoughts who have never experienced having a challenge like this at all.

This would be a sincere humbling if organizations, companies, our government, legislation, and leaders would take a positive step forward to hear our voices and put us on committee’s and councils to change the way things are now… It would be a gift to all society and man kind if we were heard and truly listened to.

It would be even sweeter if we were compensated financially for our knowledge and really taken seriously. I personally would fight the good fight to bring all kinds of change to make a huge difference and impact for others as I have done for myself- First I would stop categorizing us with people of down syndrome, mental retardation, ADD and so forth. I would also find a much better word to describe us. I would not use degrading, heart-wrenching titles and labels such as: developmentally delayed or disabled.

I would do all I could to first de-signify people who never chose to be disabled in the first place, or to be labeled. I would start by finding real human ways and approaches to treating us with dignity and respect.

Music in Mind and Body

Music and Dance have been a gift to my life ever since I can remember. I began dancing at the age of 3 1/2 years old. And from the moment I heard my very first piece of music, and performed my very first shuffle bal-change, I knew the difference it was making in my life. It brought a peace, love, and joy to my inner being as well as a self- worth and confidence that have helped me in so many other goals and dreams I have achieved throughout my life

Not only by listing to the sounds and rhythm’s of each music, and melody presented to me, but through share willingness and determination to execute these steps and techniques,accurately, even though my body had a physical impairment and challenge of Cerebral Palsy, did I, or was I able to weep and see not only me developing my abilities, but conquering the challenges before me.

These daily and weekly lesson’s brought to my body, mind, and soul something I have carried with me all these years later. It all began way back when. But before any “expert” knew what positive affects and effect’s it would have on a persons spirit and life, let alone a person with a physical disability or learning disability – I knew the benefits it gave me.

I know how music, and dance have straighten my body, brought peace to my heart, and helped me to develop my coordination and so many other things the “experts” talk about today.

I am only me. I may not have financially been able to conquer my education, or get or be given a degree, because of some “knowledgeable person” who tried to dictate what they wanted for my life. But I have soared, attained, and accomplished goals in my life, without this “piece of paper” they call a degree and I am an expert in my own right.

I know more through personal experience than most “book learned people”. I know first hand how music and dance have helped me. It has not only been physically, but it helped me with my learning and with my thought processes as well.

Never Stop’s

I’ve been on automatic pilot for the last week everyone! I have been writing letter after letter, now, and pounding the pavement while making myself visible by writing letter after letter about the work I do and want to do. If any of you have tips about marketing and networking in a special specific field, would you be so kind as to write me. Thanks.