Reflections of My Heart: Flower Garden

This poem was written in 1983. One spring day, my friend and mentor and I exercised in a cul-de-sac in Santa Monica, California. We walked up and down a set of over two hundred steps where many people exercised.

Many of these were aficionados who liked, knew about, and appreciated those of us who fervently pursued an interest in climbing stairs.

After our stair climb, we strolled through streets bordered by mansions.

In front of one, I gazed at its garden for well over five minutes. As I looked, I grew quieter. My mentor let me drift into a reverie without disturbing me. I thought about why I was inclined to be silent at times. And why I had so few friends.

In that quietude, I enjoyed the stillness and calm. I did not always need to be around people to feel happy.

I was like those flowers. They knew how to get along and thrive with others. They were as content being with others as they were being on their own.

FLOWER GARDEN

As I walked
And wondered through
The fields today,
I spotted some
Flowers on my way!

Dainty, yes, as can be,
Hidden amongst some
Lonely covering weeds!

I stood for a while,
Looking at them
Ever so silently!

As I pondered,
I asked myself,
Why do you endure such solitude?
Why is your existence so empty?
When you are
Such a pretty flower!

Just then,
A butterfly took me by surprise.
I was in a world all my own!

Uninterrupted, I kept walking,
But I could not help
Questioning my heart!

I continued my journey
While quietly thinking…
Those flowers were my own!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Crossing Boundaries

An ancient British boundary marker that looks like a footprint.

This poem was written in 2014. It was about my friend in Massachusetts. He was going through a mental crisis. We talked and talked and talked, but I could not get through to him to get help. I even called up a mental health crisis hotline to give him a number for someone to talk to. Once again, he wouldn’t accept my help or anyone’s help at all, so I had to back off. I felt lost for words. I gasped and breathed hard with surprise. My friend, whom I thought was my friend, would not accept help. Nor did he ever do anything about his mental state.

The poem says it all. And Happy Independence Day!

CROSSING BOUNDARIES

When someone cares
About a friend,
They cross boundaries that
No one else can see.

They will do anything to help,
To reach out,
To lend a helping hand.

Can’t you see that, my dear, dear friend?
Can’t you see that there is someone who really, honestly cares?
Can’t you see my human heart skipping a beat?

It soars into the spectacular skies.
It swims with fervor and fury.
It races to reach the dauntless finish line,
With the tick-tock of time
Rushing by,
Wishing and hoping to just be in time.

Yes, I care.
I truly care
With my heart,
With my soul.
With the purity
Of transcending oceans,
And rivers,
And lakes,
Flowing ever so sweetly
To touch your life.
Will you let me?
Will you respond to me?
Will you reach out to me,
Like melting snow on a crisp, spring day,
Like the daybreak of the day’s sun,
Shimmering with its gentle glow,
Like the ebb and flow of our tide.

I hope so,
I really do
As I care for you,
And love you,
Just because you are you.

Because you are my friend,
And,
Because you mean so much to me!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Gateway Ahead

Somewhere between 1983 and 1985, I wrote this poem.

Again, despite all the tears brought on by grueling life lessons, pain, and worry about how to prove myself to all humanity, I let go and wrapped myself in warm, quiet affirmations. Their words sustained my beating heart. I’m a writer, and I’m a poet, so words not only mean a lot to me, they healed my life.

To find solace, I thought daringly, and opened my heart center. I let go on a deeper level. To liberate myself, I delved further into my distress and lovingly escaped the overwhelming negative thoughts. I walked through a gateway into a new way of living.

Let me tell you about Science of Mind, Louise Hay, and Dr. Wayne Dyer, and their effect on my life. I began my study in 1975, when I was 25 years old.

In my gut, I knew I needed a way, a method, to stay and remain positive through everything I faced then. I knew I needed more of something. I did not want to continue living with the dysfunctions I grew up amid.

I did not want to continue my eating disorder, eating and obsessing about food and what others thought. I wanted a gentle, loving peace within myself and a way to face my emotions without eating over them.

I did not want to kill myself by eating over every emotion I felt, and I wanted to free myself from my fear of food, which my allergic reactions had given me.

I heard about Science of Mind from my Overeaters Anonymous sponsor. After talking with her, I looked up the closest Church of Religious Science and drove to that Sunday’s services. I attended, and when they announced a new session of classes, I signed up immediately.

Beyond that, I needed to build a stronger spirituality and resilience, so I could get through the issues in this lifetime of mine. I didn’t want to be the disabled person who has a sign on her chest saying… look at me, I’m disabled. I also didn’t want people to pity me. I wanted to fit into the world and hold my head high. I wanted to be strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

Besides music, dance, and the arts, I needed to be me and unashamed. With my genuinely sweet and sincere nature, I wanted to expand my horizons by going to my girlfriend’s Lutheran church. I did not want to feel guilty because my mother believed I was a bad Jewish girl if I went to a Christian service.

At my core, I wanted to learn, to become healthy-minded and well-rounded. I did not want to carry my parents’ and grandparents’ unhealthy history with me. I wanted to attract healthy people, and hopefully, a husband.

I wanted to travel and experience life with no one hovering over me.

I went to Science of Mind on my own, because of my thirst to learn and grow as a disabled person with pride. To live and thrive, to hold intelligent conversations, and be like any other able-bodied person was my goal. I wanted to fit into the world with a sense of worth, dignity, and pride in giving to others what I learned.

I experienced this firsthand and found that my God is everywhere I am.

GATEWAY AHEAD

The sun shines for me,
Despite the tears fallen from me.

I wrap myself in a warm, comforting affirmation!
I do not worry!
I look straight ahead,
As I walk toward that invisible gate!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Ebbing and Flowing

Ebbing Away

Here is another poem from a relationship I thought could stand the test of time. But it didn’t.

After college in 1985, I thought, maybe, just maybe, this time things would work out. Maybe this time, this relationship would be strong enough to endure what relationships throughout the universe face—the challenge of lasting.

Sure enough, it didn’t. The signs were there, flashing before my eyes, confirming that this person was unable to handle me as the human I was. He wanted me for one thing and one thing only. And that was not what I wanted. I wanted to be loved and accepted for myself, not just for my outer appearance.

Sure enough, understanding this was like the sun shining over my shoulder, clear and real. I saw it all crystal clear. It was obvious. This man wasn’t for me. But I came away with my self-respect intact, and with a lovely poem.

EBBING AND FLOWING

Like two ships on a vast sea
Our paths meet

We unite with a very
Special union!

Oh, my darling,
Can you see all the secrets
That we have shared
On this roiling ride?

Ebbing and flowing
With each current
And every tide!

Always with a deep, inner strength
And breath that endures
Its turquoise sea.

What’s more!
My love,
You are the only one for me!

You can read my poetry, including this one, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Crashing

In 1984, while going for my daily walk to think, rejuvenate, and exercise my body, I looked up and saw another bird. Do you remember the one I told you about before?

Being In tune with all of life, great and small, and having CP, and a learning disability, I was gifted a greater understanding of life than most. This poem is about another bird I saw fall from its nest. My heart broke as I thought, what if I had died because of the vaccine and the doctor who was too eager to listen to his ego, rather than to my mother, who had seen my reaction to the first shot?

He did not listen to his moral compass. It was easier to side with the appealing consensus about vaccinations—that the benefits outweighed the risk of having a child paralyzed with brain damage and having to live her life with all these complications.

Seventy-three years passed, and there is even less kindness and compassion in the world. While the medical community marketers insist the situation is far better, I testify it is not. The doctors have simply added slickness to their moralizing and minimizing.

Do not follow experts when your heart and gut tell you otherwise.

If a patient’s parent tells you their child reacted to the first serum, where, honestly, does the line get drawn? When do the rules get bent? And when are innate intelligence, compassion, and understanding used?

Are doctors taught this is medical school? I think not! After seven decades, did they change the rules? No…

When I was a child, doctors were gods. You didn’t question, as they always knew what was best for you. They were always right. You couldn’t discuss treatments or options. They had the knowledge, and you didn’t. You had to do as they said. And, it is still like that in the course of our present day. If you look through their smiles, you see it clearly.

Today it’s even worse. Today we are bullied into yearly exams where the doctors always find something expensively wrong with us.

If you think and feel like me, you must let your voice be heard. Call your elected officials and let them know, instead of taking a step back by thinking that it is too hard, takes too much time to sit on the phone to reach the right consultant, or you brush it off by thinking somebody else will speak up and out for you. You have it all wrong.

Change will happen only if we do the leg work ourselves.

So I lovingly, with care and much concern, challenge you and pass the baton on to you, my readers.

We must keep the right to be heard with caring and sympathy. Doctors ought to be taught how to show concern for their patients, rather than this harsh coercion.

Too often, in our everyday lives, doctors want to be right, and in control, rather than work with us and be caring.

Does any of this ring true for you, or does it matter at all? It did for me.

CRASHING
In the midday sun,
A newly fledged bird fell from its nest
Crashing to its death!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Dusting

Hubble photo of twinkling stars

In 1985, I glimpsed memories of all I had been through. Some good. Some not. They came over me in a twinkling, shining with a gleam, then changed from bright to faint for a moment, a moment in which I saw all my memories twinkle by.

DUSTING

The day drifts by,
Twinkling translucently
Before my very eyes,
Only to leave behind
The delicate dustings
Of yesterday’s memories
Gone by.

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Divine Cruelty

Chesed: Hebrew for kindness or benevolence

In my heart, sometime between 1980 and 1983, those hard years for me, I attuned myself to hearing when people became cruel and willfully caused pain, emotional hurt, and trauma. Today, I can pick it up immediately.

Nothing can ever take away those brutal blows, but you can do as I did. You can promise yourself that you won’t let negative comments make you retaliate, close off, or act unkindly.

I always told myself that these people and their comments would never change the kind, sweet feeling I had for everyone; that I would reverse any negativity with love, compassion, and empathy. To this day, I do not fight back (except in court) but I respond with quiet love, light, and divinity, spreading it to all I meet.

As I said in the poem, this has freed me from my past. I see and feel a divine presence guiding me in life, that things happen according to a divine reason and purpose.

It was up to me to choose to make myself a better person who learned from those experiences or continue as hurt, mean, and angry, and to pass that on to others.

I chose to stop that fugue. I chose to be, and to remain, positive and happy. I wish the same for you. If i can do it, you can do it, too.

DIVINE CRUELTY
I’ve known my share of cruelty
Mean people right to the core
They spoke the most callous words
Heartless from their very soul
Oh, how it bothered me
Beyond the breaking point
But with each hurtful word
My heart grew stronger
With every resounding beat

Now, no one can ever take away
My inner bravery!
I now recognize
How different I really was.
I realize how all those
Emotional experiences
Freed me from my past!
I can truly see my guiding light
Has enabled and empowered me!
I am the happiest
I could ever be.
I am a free
And gentle spirit now,
Knowing no boundaries!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Days

GIF of rotating earth

One day in 1984, as I sat in the stillness of my home, alone and pondering my life, I thought of my past and whether I would ever have the opportunities non-disabled people took for granted.

Here I was in my thirties, struggling to be someone, struggling to get an education, and to have what other people had at this age. Would I ever move forward, or would I remain trapped where I was?

Would I remain a crip like all the professionals wanted me to be? Would I be locked in an institution, stored securely out of sight, because I couldn’t prove myself to these men and women who didn’t care one bit about me?

They tried to steal all my opportunities. I had to sue the State of California so I could attend community college, where I graduated with honors. This, after they labeled me retarded. They tried, but my roar of truth, dignity, and pride broke their chains. This roar continues to be a voice to melt away these shackles, so for disabled people and everyone else, this world is filled with peace and kindness rather than “chaotic endless tomorrows.”

DAYS

Where have the days gone?
Has my destiny of solitude on this rotating planet stolen them?

I think yes. And when we grow old,
We will look back at a world of
Chaotic endless tomorrows
Going nowhere, fast!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Dawn Rises No More

I wrote this poem in 1982, a time when I felt as if my years on this earth, and everything I did to prove myself, ripened only intermittently, as if my discipline and effort meant nothing.

I got occasional glimpses of what I wanted to achieve, only for my light to be extinguished by the so-called experts and friends, the telomeres of my DNA shortening with each cruelty.

But I stood fast. No matter what the experts said, I refused their labels. I focused on the light that showed me peace and joy.

Looking back on those experiences from today’s perspective, I know what worked for me. Sciatica has forced me into bed for most of the past week, but with the help of my beloved husband and my good friends, I am getting through it. Difficult for a woman whose career was in fitness and dance. We have our good and bad days, but I work on being me. I work on love, compassion, and not reacting, or allowing my well-wishers to take away from me at my core, like the experts tried, decades ago.

Long ago, I vowed to myself not to react and not to allow anyone to usurp my agency like so many wanted to do. Even as a little girl wearing a rigid leg brace and learning to dance, I knew who I was, and I stayed true to myself.

Back in 1982, I had another aha! moment and told myself this. I would let no one do what the experts and the people who were unhealthy for me, who tried to take advantage of my better self, wanted. In that moment, I told myself I am going to take care of myself and do the best I can, one day at a time, to let go, and be me, the best person I can be. I told myself I cannot allow anyone to control me and take away my goodness with their nastiness. I have to be the one to let go, and bless, and pray, and be the example of truth, love, and light. That’s what I practice now in my affairs.

I do the things that fill my soul with happiness. But in ways that hurt no one, especially my beloved husband and my friends.

DAWN RISES NO MORE

Dawn rises every day.
But for me,
It comes intermittently
Giving only glimpses
Of what I desire.

Then, with a fervid wave goodbye,
It extinguishes
The light from my eyes,
But only temporarily,
Until I see again,
With pure delight!

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Darkened Seas

Once again, I coped with the blows of life, the inability to make my dreams happen.

It was 1984, not the novel but the year, but just as gloomy as the book. The gray sea expressed how I felt inwardly. As I watched the sun set over Santa Monica Bay, a storm’s fury filled me with a terror and petrified me with its roar.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. When I opened them and looked out over the sea, I knew I had to face my own rage at the subtle discrimination, at the words that patronized and tricked me. I had to rise, conquer, and stand tall through this misery.

I had to face adversity not only in the world around me, but in my heart and soul. I reached deep within myself and remained proud of who I was and what I had accomplished. Cruel condescension would not get the best of me. Holding up my shield of bravery, I became a warrior within myself once again. I refused to react negatively to the so-called experts’ callus indifference. From its sheath, I pulled my voice like a sword. Wrapped in my dignity and pride, I held my head up against their spiteful messages.

At that moment, the sea stilled, and its vicious roar became a meek breath.

Today, this warrior spirit continues to reinforce my strength and open my eyes to new wisdom for how to deal with my life and this world.

My body continues to grow stronger, and I eat foods I was once allergic to and that help my body heal.

Let me mention a book that has helped me, Smart Blood Sugar, by Dr. Marlene Merritt. Just because you have diabetes in your family does not mean you have to get it too!

If I can do it, you can do it, too!

Want some smart advice about how to beat diabetes, even if it runs rampant in your family? Check out the book that brought my diabetes under control!

Smart Blood Sugar Book by Marlene Merritt

And on to our poem:

DARKENED SEAS

The dark, gray sea
Moved with terror,
Slowing its
Vicious arms to
A meek and gentle breath
Now, it reaches out to sunny shores
To strengthen her disfigured body.

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Reflections of My Heart: Flower Garden

Reflections of My Heart: Crossing Boundaries

Reflections of My Heart: Gateway Ahead

Reflections of My Heart: Ebbing and Flowing

Reflections of My Heart: Crashing

Reflections of My Heart: Dusting

Reflections of My Heart: Divine Cruelty

Reflections of My Heart: Days

Reflections of My Heart: Dawn Rises No More

Reflections of My Heart: Darkened Seas

Inspiration and Hope for People with Cerebral Palsy and Learning Disabilities

Latest from the Blog