This poem came to me one day, back in 2004, when I was feeling pretty down low. It had to do with the man I loved.

That day my heart hurt because of the way he talked down to me and at me. Because he hurt me so deeply, my feelings were out of control. I could barely speak, I was so upset.

So, I reached out to my friend Shawn, who lived in Massachusetts, and we talked by telephone for a long time, but within a few minutes of describing what was going on inside myself, I began releasing my anguish, letting go, and feeling better.

As I relinquished my grip enough to free myself from the stress and tension, I knew I had to release my anger, and when I did, that anger and hurt turned to forgiveness.

Yet, as my friend and I talked, I knew I had to hang up, so I could write, affirm, meditate and forgive not just my beloved—but myself for reacting. I needed to be alone and allow myself to breathe and set my heart free.

And I did set it free, but unfortunately, Shawn also eventually withdrew from my life. He was a good friend. I miss him and wish him well.

LISTENING

Today was dark!
My heart felt like sinking.
My thoughts drifted far from reality.
My voice quivered and disappeared!

Then I dialed you
And listened to your sweet voice.

You spoke words that sounded like a symphony,
And started a crimson blaze
Within myself,
Out of control!

You were so right,
And I was totally
Left on my own!

Original text ©2024 by Karen Lynn-Chlup. All rights reserved. Image by J. M. W. Turner, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

Once again, I tried to help a friend of mine who had been in my life for twenty years.

Back in 2003, we were the best of friends, always there for each other with a comforting hug that gave both of us respite from a demanding world.

Yet, once again, he drifted away for another year and a half, and once again, I had to let him go with love as I prayed, affirmed, and wished the best for him. And that he would be all right.

I would always be there for him if he ever came back into my life needing a friend. Hence, this poem from 2003.

LIKE MORNING DEW

Your friendship,
My friend,
Is like
The softness of
Morning dew

Your friendship
Is like the gentle waves
Ebbing out to sea,
As the sun’s amber rays
Shine down upon me

Giving me pure
Nourishment from above,
Wisdom from within,
And enlighten to carry on!

Oh, how can I say
Thank you, my friend,
When words are not enough,

Please hear me
With your heart,
And see me with the sight
Of your soul,
And always, always
Walk beside me,
Singing tunes
Of your favorite
Inner song!

This poem was written in 2002.

In the quiet, still light, I watch the sun melt to dusk. This is one of my favorite moments of the day. It’s serene. There’s little or no noise. I am all alone, and there is an absence of movement and sound. All I can see is the physical result of earth’s changing location and position relative to the sun. My spirt transitions with the light. Now, the only movement I feel is my heart talking to the stars.

You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.

Many times, within myself, I grappled about my feelings around what happened to me; not just being paralyzed by a faulty vaccine, but learning unconditional love and acceptance of myself. Characterized by my presence and passions for the qualities of being a positive person, someone who turns negatives into positives in my life, and everyone’s lives, I changed.

In 1992, I wrote this poem after realizing how I had evolved, and how a transformation of my being, a dramatic shift and realization, had changed my being. I didn’t want to be looked down upon, or thought of as a broken human, ever again. I wanted an everlasting change in my life, and I had grown, and I had caused myself to grow. This epiphany was revolutionary.

Knowing this about myself, I turned toward acceptance and unconditional love. Unconditional love became my purpose. My disabilities became my greatest teachers in life. They helped me cross bridges, make friends, and take on difficulties and misfortunes, so I could become a voice and a light for everyone who came into my orbit.

LIFE SENTENCE

What a tragedy to have
Lived imprisoned for so long!

To feel,
But not really be able to feel!

To talk,
But never really being able to communicate what is wrong!

To touch,
But never really being touched with life’s inspirations!

And why?
I don’t know why life
Has taken this course
For me!

Maybe because of my own suffering!
I have tried to make my life a happy one!

Instead of bearing fruits of the vine,
I bear bridges with miles
And miles of ocean water between lands!

These bars I once wore on my left leg,
They are the clattering chains,
That are there with my every step!

And my arm, it is the wing that has been clipped
Dangling like a pendulum to and fro.

Imprisoned with a life sentence which
I never had control over!
Only to look deep within
Searching and finding
An unconditional acceptance
For myself
Which I never knew I had!

One night, back in 1992, a nightmare rocketed me out of a deep sleep. I awoke sweating and trembling in terror, shaken to my core.

Wrapped in only a thin, black nightgown, I had stood, burning in agony within a blaze, the flames leaping all around me. And I had nowhere to run.

Awake, I knew I had to face this dark part of my soul, the part that was trying to heal from the negative feelings that came with facing my life situation. Part of me wanted to bury all the hurt, pain, negativity, and darkness, but suppressing it would never work. Inwardly, I would burn to death if I tried.

There was fire all around me.

I asked myself, what did I do to create this within my being? Why did I feel bad about speaking up for myself? Was there something wrong with me for daring to be brave and advocate for myself?

Or was the source of my self-doubt outside of me, in the lack of understanding and inability to see and hear me and my truth, on the part of the so-called experts, who discounted me and made me feel less than others, who dismissed me as a human being trying to better myself, my situation, and to fit into this world?

While alone and defenseless, in this dismal emptiness, I rose to my feet as a new me. The fight to live the life I wanted as an educated professional, my war with the California State Department of Rehabilitation, helped me become the person I am today. My subconscious self emerged from the nightmare with a fresh voice and strength.

The poem below symbolizes how facing my darkest moments changed my character and my life. I did it in the face of adversity and by myself. If I can do it, you can do it, too. And, of course, I will be here for you.

LEAVES OF STILLNESS

The night
Knocked at my window
Haunting me
With a black shroud and
Carrying my body to that
Cold, barren tree
Which covered me
With bronze, burnt
Leaves of stillness

Oh
I cried!

Time tip-toed by,
Leaving me
Lonely and defenseless
Only to see myself
Through my own
Desolate attitude!

This poem was written in 1984, when I was told I could not continue my education. That is, I could not attend college.

I was destroyed. Heartbroken. I felt like I had nothing left of my life—nothing else to give myself or to others.

I had worked hard to break through every barrier. Yet, no one wanted to guide me or acknowledge what I had done or what I could accomplish. They didn’t recognize who I really was or the good I could offer. Nor did they want to listen to my words and the importance of what I said. They would not give me the opportunity, much less the support I needed to fulfill my very achievable dreams.

What would happen to me? Was I going to rot my life away? Was I going to end up in an institution because the IQ test could not measure my intelligence correctly? Sadly, this test can’t measure the IQ of a person like me, someone with dyslexia.

How would I care of myself? How would I live on my own and pay for food, rent, and utilities? How would I survive after my mother died?

I was a grown woman by then, thirty-four years old. It took me five years. Even after I won my suit against the State of California to get my Associate of Arts degree, and I got it with honors, but most people at that age already have degrees. By then, they probably have two or more and hold positions in the field of their choice. and I had five more years to go.

All the so-called experts looked at me as if I were inferior, a box of produce damaged in shipment, but I had to make something of myself. When the California State Department of Rehabilitation deemed me mentally retarded for the third time, I knew they would not help me.

I had worked my whole life for what? Nothing, not even to give to others like I desired. The experts kept shattering my dreams. One counselor, who was deaf, mute, and without compassion, told me I had scattered thoughts. That was how he interpreted my variety of interests, but they were all normal interests, such as dancing, listening to music, reading poetry, and wanting a career in fitness.

At that moment, I felt destroyed. I felt like the ruins of the Parthenon. How was I going to rebuild my life? How was I going to become that person I so desperately wanted to be?

I was nothing more than a shell. I had nothing to look forward to. I had no reason to live, no purpose to wake up for. So I made a reason each day.

Another counselor asked me how I could teach dance with CP and only one functioning arm. One counselor believed in me, but after working with me for three years, he accepted a promotion and left me behind. No one else worked with me or gave me a chance to prove myself. I was hung out to rot with a Social Security check and told I would earn more on SSI than by working. I had no tools at hand to reach my goals and no hope of making my life happen.

In those days, there were no agencies to lend support with compassion to people with disabilities. I day-dreamed of becoming a recreation director and dance teacher. When I told them, the experts all looked dazed with disbelief. Like I could never amount to anything.

But, even though I felt helpless, and no one helped me, I had a fire in my belly. Deep in my inner spirit, I found strength and began rebuilding my life. I found my voice and self. I moved heaven and earth and won a lawsuit that opened the doors to higher education for all disabled people in California, thus changing my life forever. The process of claiming my own right to an education became a way for me to help others, not just myself.

The image of these ruins gave me strength and an inner power that none of those experts in the field could find it in their souls to give. I gave it to myself. I couldn’t give up on myself.

With all my will and power, I searched and found a flicker of light. I kept going and found reasons to keep going. You can, too.

GREEK PARTHENON

My life
Is like the Greek Parthenon
Standing in its own
Ruins
Empty
Never to be built again!

One day back in 2010, I wrote this poem about all the times I have wanted to lay my head back in a warm tub of lavender bubble bath and melt away all my worries and woes.

I wanted to close my eyes, feel my breath, and rest in tranquility. I wanted to lie there in the solitude of my own being with the soft sounds of music and melodies, drifting me to a place of perfect harmony.

GENTLE IMAGININGS

My bath is a quiet place
Where I can rest,
And gain some sweet repose

In peaceful thoughts
Which sooth my soul
And quiet relaxing music
To drift far, far away!

I stretch out my feet
And close my eyes, listening
To sweet melodies!

And now
That I
Am all alone
Totally, and absolutely all alone,
I can regain my
Perfect harmony!

In 2009, when I met someone who would become a dear friend and colleague, I wrote this poem. I knew, when I was introduced to him, that he was not like many other people I had met in publishing. He truly was a reflection of my self. He was a reflection of my consciousness.

I could tell he was kind. He didn’t put on fronts like others had. I knew My God brought him into my life for a reason, and he has made my life sweet and happy like the fruit on the vine.

FRUIT OF THE VINE

Friends like you
Come once in a lifetime!

Friends like you
Are one of a kind!

Friends like you
Share openly
All the time!

But most importantly,
My friend,
Your heart is divine!

As the One Almighty knew
What kind of person you were
So he brought us together
Only to sweeten the
Fruits of the vine!