Parents can feel terrible guilt if they do anything that harms their child, and then even more guilt if they see themselves as imperfect.
After their blow-up and reconciliation, Kitten sleeps well, but her Mama feels overwhelmed by guilt about her parenting and guilt about her overeating. Her mind spins as she stuffs down her feelings with ice cream and takes an oath to change for the better.
Scene 5: Ice Cream and Independence—Mama Reflects
That night, after her precious Krana Layala was asleep, Mama wandered to the fridge. She had promised herself that she would stop eating late at night, but after that blow-up before dinner, she owed herself some enjoyment. Besides, she felt as if she had been punched right in the gut. She needed a little something to settle her stomach.
One scoop at a time, she filled a large soup bowl to the brim with rocky road ice cream. With every scoop, she beat herself up for her compulsive eating.
She turned out the light, and the house was dark. Only the glow from the television in the living room was left. She tottered toward the dim light, feeling her exhaustion. Jack Parr was on, but she couldn’t keep her mind on what he was saying. Karen’s accusations rang true not only in her head but in her heart, and she knew every one of her daughter’s words had been true.
You are so overprotective, you won’t let me try anything new on my own. You’re so afraid of my hurting myself that you, and you alone, are going to make me into a real cripple.
Bite after bite, she savored the ice cream, even as tears overflowed her eyes and added salt to the sweet. She still could not believe what her eyes had shown her. She could not believe that Kitten had boiled water and used a sharp knife without ever being taught. All without hurting herself. She knew her daughter was asserting her independence, like other children her age, but she had trouble believing that independence was possible for her child. Not for the child she had crippled with the DPT shot.
I don’t want my sweet Krana Layala to suffer. Every time she tries something and she fails, it will be on my head because I didn’t keep her safe and protected. I may be controlling her and making her feel guilty, but only I can see what she really needs. She’s too young to know. If I holler every time she tries something positive, we’re going to fight all the time. Then I’ll lose her completely. This world is not a nice place. They don’t treat people like my Kitten fairly. They’ll steal from her, make fun of her, and leave her to rot. People don’t want to understand or take the time to see who she really is. So I have to intercede. Oh God, how I hate myself for authorizing that shot.
In that split second, Mama knew she had to stop being overprotective. She knew she did not need ice cream to settle her stomach. She needed it to settle her heart. But it never did. With every spoonful of ice cream, she hated herself more for eating it and for not having the willpower to say no to it. She hated herself because the only way she could cope with what Karen had said was to eat it down with something really good. She had to change her ways, and she had to start right now. She had promised her child, but she really had to do it, too. Otherwise, she would not only lose her child, but she would never give Karen the healthy attitudes and upbringing she deserved. She had to let go, right now, or her overprotectiveness would destroy Karen. She would not raise Karen the way her mother had raised her. It had been hard enough growing up that way and being able-bodied.
She finished the ice cream and looked at the empty bowl resting on her stomach. If I didn’t love her so much, I wouldn’t feel so guilty. I have to change.
#cerebralpalsy #disabilities #parenting
©2020, Karen Lynn-Chlup. All rights reserved.
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