It was May 1984. I wrote this poem because once again, I was in a 10 year conflict in my life. It felt as though they were trying to suck me under. No matter what I did to smile or be positive, there was dissonance all around. The counselors on my case were trying to sabotage me once again for doing my all to succeed. It felt like I was on a roller coaster, where I was being tossed around curves and sharp inclines. All because the counselors, their behavior, and the experience behind the events were emotionally shattering.
A state of active conflict and struggle again knocked on my door. Every time I had a period of healing, I spoke up for myself, reasoning with them, making the truth be known. I even tried compromising. The stronger my voice got, the more they challenged me. The way I stood up for myself threatened them; especially when I stood my ground, held my posture tall by not giving in or accepting anything less than what I deserved as a human being with dignity and respect. They tried to manipulate me even more. They met their match all right.
Even though it hurt like hell—depicted like a place perpetuated beneath my feet—I would not budge. Thus, I tried reaching an agreement that would satisfy them and myself, but California Rehabilitation would not bend.
This was my last year of studies. And my last push to clear my name of being labeled mentally retarded a third time. Now I was stripped of all my accommodations because of misguided experts who falsely accused me of cheating. Against all odds, I defied all expectations and graduated with honors. Before this, I had won a civil right case for my own education, even though I had been falsely labeled, on three separate occasions, as mentally retarded since I had turned eighteen years of age. That was when I was sent off to a sheltered workshop like a Goodwill factory. After that, I would stop at nothing.
I worked on myself in every way imaginable, to be the best person I could be. I tried to bring balance and peace to my being. Every spare moment, I meditated or wrote, and I tried to harmonize myself through yoga, to find more tranquility and calm in my life. But I know today, I was supposed to learn something from that experience of discrimination. There was a larger purpose in my life. I had a feeling just like the one during the other aha moments I experienced. My success would lay the foundation for the movement for inclusion. Our new world began with this victory.
With this realization, I became a voice for others.
There were no warning lights, nothing but stop lights telling me,”I better not do that.”
I kept on relentlessly, compelled, hardworking, and ambitious to make things right for people with cerebral palsy and learning disabilities. I looked high and low for answers and kept searching until this very day, trying to make this a better world for everyone.
I called out, over and over again, so people could hear me and see me. I have been driven to change the human landscape in my quiet and proactive way. Each day in my past and present life, I have taken a moment out of my schedule to become quiet. I put my diffuser on, take a healing crystal in each hand, close my eyes, and become one with myself. Settling in, I take a deep breath and visualize forgiveness. I see all those who’ve hurt or harmed me, wishing them well. I release my feelings, blessing those who hurt me and myself to the universe. Then I ask for the healing power to help me let go, so I can stop holding on to all the hurt and pain I’ve gone through in my life and free these remaining thoughts from my body. I ask for acceptance, so I can find peace in my heart. And I send forth a silent prayer for the souls of those who hurt me to heal.
Presence Where I Stand
Ten years passed by,
At the speed of light
No warning,
Little with little light
Lots of searching,
Never finding,
Always looking,
For that one perfect presence
To help me
So, I keep calling out
Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Do you hear my heart beat?
Will you answer me, please!
And, if perchance
You hear my wailing whisper,
You will stand alongside
of me.
And never, never leave!
You can order my poetry collection, including this poem, here: Reflections of My Heart.
Original text ©2024 by Karen Lynn-Chlup. All rights reserved. Image by Arun Charles via Wikimedia.
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