One night, back in 1992, a nightmare rocketed me out of a deep sleep. I awoke sweating and trembling in terror, shaken to my core.

Wrapped in only a thin, black nightgown, I had stood, burning in agony within a blaze, the flames leaping all around me. And I had nowhere to run.

Awake, I knew I had to face this dark part of my soul, the part that was trying to heal from the negative feelings that came with facing my life situation. Part of me wanted to bury all the hurt, pain, negativity, and darkness, but suppressing it would never work. Inwardly, I would burn to death if I tried.

There was fire all around me.

I asked myself, what did I do to create this within my being? Why did I feel bad about speaking up for myself? Was there something wrong with me for daring to be brave and advocate for myself?

Or was the source of my self-doubt outside of me, in the lack of understanding and inability to see and hear me and my truth, on the part of the so-called experts, who discounted me and made me feel less than others, who dismissed me as a human being trying to better myself, my situation, and to fit into this world?

While alone and defenseless, in this dismal emptiness, I rose to my feet as a new me. The fight to live the life I wanted as an educated professional, my war with the California State Department of Rehabilitation, helped me become the person I am today. My subconscious self emerged from the nightmare with a fresh voice and strength.

The poem below symbolizes how facing my darkest moments changed my character and my life. I did it in the face of adversity and by myself. If I can do it, you can do it, too. And, of course, I will be here for you.

LEAVES OF STILLNESS

The night
Knocked at my window
Haunting me
With a black shroud and
Carrying my body to that
Cold, barren tree
Which covered me
With bronze, burnt
Leaves of stillness

Oh
I cried!

Time tip-toed by,
Leaving me
Lonely and defenseless
Only to see myself
Through my own
Desolate attitude!