Incomprehensible Comprehension

In the last few months, as I have struggled with inner ear problems, and have been bed ridden and house bound, I have had a lot of time to think. I have come to the conclusion that the greatest waste that our men, women, children encounter in our society is the lack of participation in our lives. I am very passionate about these thoughts and feelings, because first hand, I have seen human beings turn their backs on others. They are more interested in helping oneself get ahead than helping advance a cause of a particular group. Every time I think about the unfairness of these inequities, and the time of day by day empowered experiences wasted, it hurts and drains my spirit in a way I almost cant explain. Where is the kindness? Where is the help we need to help ourselves? And where is the understanding of what we are really trying to do?

Isn’t it awful that we have to spend a lifetime proving ourselves over, and over, and over again because men and women in and out of power think that because we have a disability we aren’t capable of making the run! It is a non-verbal, uphill battle, of delay and deal making which never gets us anywhere, fast. Thus, we are pronounced to be…mentally deficit, with scattered thoughts, and unrealistic goals, and why? I ask you why? Because, someone in power is threatened by what we want to do. No where in my life, on the internet, or blogs has ever cared enough to talk about just this. So I am. I am the rebel with a cause! We are meekly by-passed, ignored, and forgotten. Nobody wants to deal with US. The full and equal participation of our or any disabled community in public life is squandered by prejudices and limited ways of thinking which was designed to hold people back, lock them far away in a closet, and leave them to rot on a mere social security check for the rest of their lives. They don’t want to deal with us. They don’t want to make any sacrifices, and they don’t want to spend their week-end trying to help us, help ourselves. It is so much easier to spend time on the most sever and obvious cases which only want an ice cream cone now and then. People would be shocked at the amount of bargaining, sacrifice, and cunning required to deal with the very organizations which claim their purpose is to help.

When I am labeled “mentally retarded” on three separate occasions, when the speech impaired person have there talents ignored, and when a person who has spent eight years proving their abilities, spent a hundred thousand dollars for a doctorate, is told he belongs in a workshop- something is very wrong!

We need to “…look in the mirror and change our ways.” We need to reach out and help- we need to replace expert directed thinking with self created choices. We need to overhaul the way people treat others.

Focusing on Forging Ahead

My dear readers. I know it may seem as thought a lifetime has gone by since I have last written, but you’d be pleased to know that I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. As I type these words, I sit with an arm bandage on my right hand so that I can write these words to you. I injured it by doing my daily routine and have been quietly sitting still while healing. Yet, the thoughts of what I was going to write next, continued. Having an injury did not hampered my ability to pick up my writing where I left off. Now that I am a bit better, and can use my fingers without unbearable pain, there is a great deal I wish to say.

My thoughts and desires are not to bring you the ordinary and the mundane. My strong wish is to bring you thought provoking articles to make you think twice about. My entries may not be every week, but the depth and thought I put into each article I hope will touch something off inside of you. I bring you these articles with a passion and a commitment to enlighten the world you live in, and, the thoughts you may feel. I bring you these article’s in the fashion I do; to stir your thoughts, and to challenge the ordinary within you. My purpose is to arouse and awaken the sleeping part which holds you back from treating people like me, with little dignity and true respect. This journey of mine will not cease! I will continue to jar and pry open the many controversial thoughts which our society still denies, and tries to deem unworthy of listing to. I will carry the torch until I see proof of our world treating us with the same dignity and respect the able population gets treated with. My writing may be few and far between, but, my words will speak volumes, and be worth listening to. It will change your thinking beyond any whelm.

I’d like to share my perspective in a very safe, caring, healing kind of way. I’d like to tell you all about my thoughts and feelings as a people with physical challenges. I have kept my minds eye open towards finding the article and words that would reflect all of my thoughts and feelings and experiences. I have been on a sabbatical recently, while working in many other areas of my life.

Perhaps the most interesting of all, is the fact that I have been editing my memoir for the last 6 months, and, working with an agent and many other people to enlighten, open minds, and give true account of what Cerebral Palsy is all about. Day in, and day out, I think of not only writing article’s that will mean something to others reading my blog, but also to bring a new perspective of looking and dealing with many given daily situations so to be treated as an equal person, in a world where people push our talents and desires off with a simple role of an eye, a condescending pat on the arm, and a comment that gives little credence to what we are truly capable of achieving, and what we do to earn an honest living and make our achievements possible.

This is never more true than in my own efforts to teach not only adaptive aerobics, Pilates, and yoga, but in crossing over to our “normal” population. Time in again, in well over forty some odd years, I rapidly find that no one believes that I, a person with left side hemiplegic, Cerebral Palsy, could be efficient at teaching dance as I do. I have proven this fact more times than I care to count. However, this fact takes people out of their comfort zone. This fact destroys fifty years of telethon brainwashing. And, this fact, does not help people like you and me get ahead financially, mentally, or emotionally.

This fact, keeps us right where they want us. They don’t have to say anything, or do anything, except continue to lie to our faces, with all the so called rules and laws properly in place. Thankfully, not everyone feels this way. Still, the comments and undercurrents continue. We are told “Oh you teach…!” yet, they won’t hire me as their teacher or consultant. They don’t give me a chance to do what it is that I am well rounded and experienced in doing. Thus, the insecurity comes in, because no one truly believes in my ability. Therefore, I am ALWAYS trying to prove myself a trillion times over. If only I was given the same chance- If only people could look at me in the same way they look at there peers- If only they could see beyond their eyes-

Sometimes an initial acceptance turns into nothing but pike dreams. It is so much easier for people to talk about equality, than actuality practice it. A comfortable phrase replaces action. People wish us luck instead of doing anything. People ask about our daily living skills instead of what’s in our hearts and minds. Also, they treat us as though we don’t know any better. This has happened time and time again in my life. And I have to keep forging forward to prove myself and focus ahead to do more.

Thankfully, I have been able to hold true to my true self. I alone neVER turned my back on myself. I forged forward. I put belittling aside. Took hold of the reigns’, and galloped triumphantly. I’ve done the impossible. I have moved forward in ways people in the “normal” world told me I’d NEvER be able to achieve or accomplish. In the coming months ahead, I will be traveling not only to Utah, but I am planning a 15 day excursion to Canada and New England. I will be traveling the seas and seeing the vistas of our country side. And, if everything works out, I will be taking a trip of a life time with three dear, precious friends to Africa.

With all of this, one would think I wouldn’t have to focus so hard on the simple things we call life!

Assumptions & Arrogance

After another year winds to a close, I have often been moved deeply. The years, months, days and hours past through my heart and mind like a stamp stuck on paper.

It takes me back to all those moments and times that people’s arrogance and assumptions held me back from what I was trying to do.

Because of my rebellious nature, I was not only able to survive but thrive. I was able to do a lot which people in power, thought was impossible. But it would be very naive of me not to tell you of the extra effort I have had to spend because of what people in the twentieth century were taught to believe about my disability.

I can’t help but think about these moments going around and around in my head when I reflect about how much time has had to go by. Time that I could have been contributing to a caring world- Time that could have healed all wounds by a simple gesture of acceptance- Time that could have carved out recognition for not just me, but for our whole community.

Instead, I have had to run up over and over again against the electric chair of official stupidity. Of official neglect- And, of voluntarily lowing of self!

I have had to beg time and again, as I have had to explain the obvious to every expert imaginable shape and size.

What I knew was never enough. It had to be done on their terms.

I was labeled and mislabel mentally retarded all because of an IQ test, and people in power who only pretended to know what they were doing.

Fifty-eight years have gone by. Fifty-eight years of sheer hell on earth. Fifty-eight years which I have smiled, grinned, and bared it, and made bearable. For what?

But who will give me my youth back? Who will give me the degree I was so worthy of? And, who will give me the job or recognition I have busted my buns for? Whom, I ask? Whom?

Why do I have to be tide to a stake for someone to gloat over? Why do I have to suffer for someone else’s arrogance? Why did I have to waste my whole life away?

Following the Mores of One’s Heart

How many times have you honestly and earnestly shared your hopes and dreams with not only the people closest to you, but friends, collogues and those who claimed they could help; only to hear words that hamper you and held you back. How many times were you stifled? And, how many times were you and your abilities to move forward held back. Did you feel trapped, frustrated, and beside yourself? Did you wonder when your chance was going to pan out? But instead, you were no further along on the pathway to the life you wanted to lead.

Well, my dear friends, I am writing this article because I have spent a lifetime not listening to those “Pearls of Wisdom.”

Again and again in every aspect of my life, I have turn the other check and found a way to accomplish what every expert and even my beloved family thought was impossible. But I “dreamed the impossible dream, and fought the unbeatable foe.” There are many times in my own personal life when I can remember reaching out to my mother, asking for help to get an education at a time when disabled people, with learning disabilities were not getting degree’s at all, and hearing my mother say… “Why don’t you just accept yourself the way you are instead of forcing and fighting your learning disability to make the impossible happen. Upset, and even more determined, I kept walking through the storm. I kept forging forward even though I was told what I was told. I smiled, grinned and beard it, but was not going to let my mother’s words and her beliefs about me affect me or hamper my quest.

While I knew my mother was being very loving toward me, I also knew that I would not have a place in society, and at the table if I did not push forward and make every attempt and effort to make my life happen.

When I finally got my degree no one was happier than my mother and me. She was the only one who knew what I went threw day in and day out. She came up to me, wrapped her loving arms around me, and hugged and kissed me in the fashion I knew so well. Then, all of a sudden, I found her whispering in my ear… I’m sorry Kranalala” You don’t know, or maybe you do know what this meant to me. It made me radiate with happiness. It made me radiate from within out. And, it made me radiate with sheer joy and bliss because I had reached one of my first unreachable dreams. It was not just hearing my mother’s words of acceptance and love, but knowing that I listened to myself, my heart, and my drummer, and followed a long and arduous pursuit of mine, of which I had just accomplished.

On that day of mine, I learned one very important lesson. That lesson was to always follow your own heart and to stay true to your own dreams and what you know about yourself. People can say what ever they want. But, if you know the truth within yourself that’s what matters! No matter what is said, there are always ways one can still make things happen. You can set yourself free and you can set yourself apart from everything other people say and think about you. You can hold your head high, reaffirm the truth of your own self and own abilities, and walk past and through all obstacles. It is all up to you. It is in your own attitude and belief. Know one can take that away from you if you truly believe in yourself. It may not be the next day, week, month, or year that you get whatever you desire. But it will happen if you stay the course.

You don’t have to be mean, nasty, or get in people’s faces for giving there own opinion, but you can rise above, be eloquent and poised, and accomplish your goals with dignity in a timely, peaceful manor.

Left Behind

How many of you with some kind of impairment or challenge have felt left behind because you were not accepted? How many of you wanted to be given a chance to show your talents and abilities to the world around you? And, how many of you wanted to move forward with a positive attitude, but were held back because it was inconvenient for someone else?

What a shame it is that a country so vast, so smart, and so sophisticated turns its back on the talents and needs of the most under-developed population. Not so much the visually, or hearing impaired; but individuals with Cerebral Palsy and other mobility or speech impairments which are either left to solve there own problems, or are locked away in group homes, or forced to be monitored by an army of social workers who want total control of there being. Moreover, we are told time and again that we are incapable and cannot work. We are told to our faces that it’s better for everyone if we just stay at home, aren’t seen, and collect a social security check for the rest of our lives.

How sad is that? How sad is it that a group of people or a government of people will not accept us as human beings. How sad is it that we are put here on this earth, but have to struggle all our lives!

What is wrong with the picture? And, what is wrong with the world? And why do “we” have to suffer? Why?

I can’t live with this injustice, discrimination, and humiliation any more! Why, you might be asking yourself? Because this happened to me. So I’m the first to balk. I’ll be the first to admit the truth. And I’ll be the first to share it honestly and openly with the world so that good change can come from it.

Has this happened to you?

These “experts” have only one set of options. And these options don’t usually include making our lives better. What’s more, is that these options limit rather than increase our control over our own lives. It segregates us from society, and denies us our birth right and equal status as individuals and Americans. We were put on this earth to have the opportunity to develop and make use of whatever talents and brains that God gave us. Just because we were paralyzed does not mean we don’t have sense about us to think, act, or perform a given task, or duty we would love to do. Why shouldn’t we then, be treated or given the same opportunities? Are we so ugly to look at, we have to be locked away in a closet?

Time after time, we do as we are told like good little children, although we get nowhere fast. Once again, we are not taken seriously, and we are disrespected and discounted. This must end! And so must these despicable attitudes from people who make up a world who don’t want anything to do with us or change.

Writing for This Publication

It hardly seems possible that I have been writing for Audacity Magazine for well over a year, now. Every article I have written has been a new challenge. Every article, I have written, has been as different as the article before. And every article I write comes from a place of understanding, compassion, and a sincere honesty to enlighten the public. I would definitely have to say, however, that they have all been like every other article in this magazine; connected with the one purpose of exploring the daily lives and feelings of the disabled community.

In a big, way, attempts have never been made to move beyond daily living skills, to understand and explore the other aspects of our lives. Thus, these articles, which I have written, have been crafted, created, and revealed to the public so that light may be shed. I have seen articles here, on everything from learning to drive, to romance, travel, and remembering the great leasers of our past. I don’t know other than blogs, of a place, in which the great leaders of our community could gather together and express exactly what was on their minds. This is invaluable, because it reminds all of us that we are not ever alone.

My experience, writing for Audacity Magazine, has not only made me more determined to move forward with my own life, but to experience writing for a prestigious magazine, when at one time, three and a half decades ago, I could not even form a constructive sentence by myself. To be accepted by Natashasa, has not only been a powerful experience for me, but it has reminded me that I was right! I clung to the belief that I could learn, and I did. I clung to the belief that I had a right to an education and I got one. And, I clung to the awareness that I was going to make a mark on this world. And, just like all of you, I have! I have determined, in the depths of myself that, no one was going to define my personhood. No one was going to tell me, or make me believe that I was less than what I was. No one was going to take away the healthy self-esteem and autonomy I fought for. But writing for this magazine has taken me a step further. Each time, in every way, that I write another article, for this magazine; I am reminded of my own progress, and, I am reminded of all the other valuable gifts I have to share with the world.

The Birth of a Magazine

What does it feel like to give birth to something that no one else has ever conceived of? And what does it feel like to bring to the forefront idea’s that could change disabled men and women’s lives for ever? Well, I’ll tell you. I think it takes a dedicated, in-tune, and highly motivated person to bring ideas to the front- line of society which no one else has had the courage to challenge.

The birth of Audacity Magazine has opened the doors, I’m sure for many. Not just for those writers, like me, who have some kind of physical disability or special needs who audaciously want to make this not only a better place for others, but also wants to bring a cutting-edge approach to those issues at hand, that affect so many of us; which are so easily swept under the carpet. But, also, has brought food for thought for 6 years now to all of its readers and subscribers.

This magazine has brought to its readers a cheeky, daring, and fearless way of approaching the truth from a different perspective and point of view. Its angle has come from the disability community. Its thoughts! Its words! And, all its power! Focusing, directly, on the issues of the day-

I’m sure; the birth of this magazine took to heart all the issues and fragile topics of its disabled population. I’m sure, that when the first issue appeared online; it was a very happy, joyous, momentous, occasion. I’m sure it brought an inward satisfaction to Natasha, the founder of Audacity. To see something materialize, from nothing; and to be shaped, formed, and molded from scratch, that truly, must have been gratifying, indeed. And, to be so focused, so dedicated, and so committed to nurture, and develop, story after story, month after month, year, after year, took much planning, much pride, and much perseverance.

To have the ability to not only write, and to educate, but to shape and influences other people’s thoughts and views is highly commendable. It takes a person with great vision to broaden one’s opinion and scope- it takes an idea, an act, and a concept to bring such a dream to pass.

It took a creative energy, to bring about the birth of this magazine. Thus, let’s light Audacity’s birthday cake with 7 brightly lit candles, to light its way for its fruitful year ahead.

The Blues: is it in the Disability Community, Too?

Often, the reality of our disabilities can lead to an increased instance of depression. Our physical scars may have heeled, but the physiological and sociological have not. Ninety-nine people out of one hundred and forty-four; according to a recent study linked their learning disabilities with depression and other depressive disorders. This is the result of a lack of flexibility in the education process. Students are often placed with those with emotional and behavior problems. Teachers are therefore, unable to give the time needed to each individual student because they must serve as baby-sitters to those who do not wish to participate in the learning process.

Yet, within each of us their remains a strong desire to discover “the secret.” This means, that, most people given patience, tolerance, and a relaxed environment can learn and succeed. This success will reinforce the positive aspects of each person’s life. Every achievement from traveling the world wide, to putting on a dinner is note worthy and valuable. The memory of past achievements can sometimes serve as a reminder in the depth of suffering that this current sadness will not last.

Many students can look back and remember that one parent, teacher, or friend who took the time to find it within themselves, to figure out just what that person needed to thrive, survive, and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Often, just as much as the chemical imbalance, feelings of depression, and low self-esteem, come from a sense that a person is entirely alone. The awareness, that in fact, everyone wants an individual to in fact, succeed, can be very liberating. There is an old saying which demonstrates this idea. “Only if you have been in the deepest pit of sorrow, loss, and despair, can you ever know how magnificent it is to climb to the to of the highest mountain.”

Changing Attitudes, Changing Minds!

In my last article, I wrote about people bullying others. Well today, my dear readers, I am going to take this topic a step further. I am going to expand and give more detail about how this thinking applies in other parts of our lives. The hardest part of our existences; whether disabled or not, is learning to get along with everybody. It is in the learning to maneuver, in staying neutral, and the ability to adapt, and adjust, that we find our greatest challenges and joys. Many in our community must be very smart in finding a way to alter outworn concepts about what we are capable of. When a person has to spends three and a half decades trying to make the degree they won pay off, in terms of the job they deserve without much luck, something is defiantly and undeniably wrong. Still, when doctorial candidates’ will travel the world wide, prove they are capable of making and taking the journey, and come home only to be told by a group of experts that they are better off in a workshop; something unmistakably is wrong. Why is it that when a person such as myself wants to achieve and go forth with their degrees or desires they are subtly blocked and artfully discredited. What is it that has damaged the thinking of our countries leadership? I can not understand why genuine leaders are ignored while people get degrees in phone sex, and jobs based on a false concept of sympathy rather on ability. What makes our drive unnoticed? What make our situation so different. And what makes people so reluctant to help us and hire us? That is the hardest thing to deal with, the awareness that we are tolerated not included. And we come off to these experts as “non included, separated; after thoughts.” Thus, the people in our community are an untapped resource. All of our problem solving, all of our flexibility, and all of our talents are going to sheer waste. Decade, after decade, after decade!

Never in the United States history, has our country been in grater need of a group of individuals, skilled in problem-solving, time management, flexibility, and a strong will. Never in its history have they looked beyond book documentation to free and let our people have the chances, the opportunities, and the favorable time or set circumstance to do a job they so deserve. Every one of you reading this article has accomplished many great challenges, I’m sure. We are conquering everyday problems which the rest of the world, I’m sure, couldn’t handle. If faced with our level of difficulty, most people would collapse at the onset. So, I ask you, what would be then, so terrible, awful, or extremely bad, about turning us all loose to over-come and take control of our own lives and problems. Thus, I ask you again, candidly, What would be so dreadful if we were finally given a change. What would be so horrific if we were able to sit down at the table, equally, amongst our peers, and leaders? What would be so shocking, if all of us; not just the select few of our excepted leaders, in our community, could actively influence policy. What would be so earth-shattering if people were willing to analyze and inculcate our views about the contribution we are making to society.

How could this be possible? It is definitely simpler than it looks. We only have to abandon the comfortable idea that experts will make all our decisions and supply all our wants. I ask you , again. What is wrong with that picture? The frame does not fit, nor, is the color correct. So, we must make a new picture. We must take back the right to determine our own path.

What Does Bullying and Making Fun of Other’s; Got to Do With it?

I have heard a lot of commentary about kids bullying others, and then those same children who could not handle the making fun of any longer; killing themselves or hurting someone. Many people do not know how much that actually happens in the disabled community. But it does. Sometimes its even worse than out in the “regular world.” I know this because I lived through it, and experienced it a number of times first hand.

When I was a child the kids around me would chastise me for having an over-weight parent. Time and again, they would say mean and cruel words that stung deeply; of which all I could do was swallow what they just said, and turn the other cheek. Still another time, I was directly bullied by the classmate’s in my classroom. I was a quiet, demure, good-hearted child, who never thought twice about saying something or doing something down right nasty just for the sake or fun of it.

Yet, I had classmate’s that did just that! I experienced a practical awareness of people who came up to my personhood, stared me in the face, spouted nasty, sweet, nothings to me directly, grab my work assignments right from under my very nose, and ripped then to shreds. Still another time, as an adult mind you; while teaching a young client who had C.P., I was directly ostracize because she felt she had a right to mock my movements. Obviously, someone put this in her mind. Where did she get this from. Was it her wealthy background, her being the eldest child, or her controlling, manipulative ways. Was she made fun of by others, herself? Or, did she believe that making fun would get her somewhere?

What she did not realize was she was also making fun of herself. With a stern, caring, compassionate, human side, I professionally sat her down; and reminded her that she too had a disability, and while it was the same, yet different, she would not like it if someone made fun of her. People are not aware of how much there words can impact people around them. It would be very useful if we all took the time to think before we hurt someone’s feeling. If we perhaps, really took the time to be careful there would be a whole lot less suffering and tragedy.

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